Containment is a protocol, not a state.
I have my problems with most of the outdoor activities people "who are not nerds" claim to be the best ways to make memories or enjoy. To make a memory, I am fine with it or trying to catter to ur friends' request since you do not want to be alone. Those activities are not of short duration: partying, drinking, hooking up (or anything of sexual interest from just looking at people till bdsm and beyond), reckless driving, coffees, movies etc... I know that, if I am generous, I will start to feel like I am dying slowly. I admit that my dopamine and midbrain are both out of control. I have no shame for the world to know that I would have been a worse whore, a stinky smoker and a alcholic with problems. I know exactly the kind of pornographic or gore content I watched, I quickly get desensitized. I stopped only due the intellectual constraint I imposed upon myself that any further consumption will rewire my brain further. I wasn't supposed to have vivid imagination of beings being cut on a board with a chainsaw or a cleaver then being sewed after being imptied of their intestines at the ripe age of eight. If I let myself loose, I will be lost. I had to experiment with a coping mechanism that is shunned upon, only the few that experienced life noticed the faint marks. Once the smallest bit of pain didn't scare me, didn't hurt me no longer, I made sure each next was deeper...like always, if I didn't have a reason to stop, I wouldn't have. The sight of my own blood entertained me, mutilating myself is not my end goal nor pain. To be fair I didn't promise to avoid this, I promised to not smoke or drink. Gore, pornography, smut, harm and rotting I never did so, so there is no moral leak in that. Casual sex wasn't something I was looking for due to plenty of reasons, the most important one is how futile it is after a go or two. There is no accomplishment, unless you measure your worth by the number of bodies you collected, then sure. When the population is within millions, it's not hard to be asked for a fun time by at least ten people a day. I don't feel there is a big sense of accomplishment, if it's a coping mechanism between two people that agree to keep it to that and do not disrespect each other afterwards, everyone can do what they want. It's the hypocrisy people display that maddens me, but it's not my topic now. Gambling is based on the thrill and is engineered to always make you lose, it's not trading or anything, so it's a purely luck oriented money grab. Videogames no more call for me, they are pixels...it's funny because we also are atoms. I don't have the funds to live like the people who called me nerd, nor the brain chemistry. Yet I want to establish that a hedonistic life isn't what I am looking for, well, seeking pleasure in certain things. I have always pushed people that are into lavish materialistic or low behaviour away from me, for those people do not seek meaning nor permanence, and funnily enough, they always end up the least emotional and considerate. There is no need to associate myself with people that call me "nerd" for not going to a party, fucking someone's girlfriend who he loves, smoking a blunt that has a chance of killing me or causing a problem, texting multiple people for validaton, going to fancy places just to waste money on food that I will shit in few hours and forget its taste, spend money on things that will not fix anything in my life and call it a youth. It's always the meaningful company that I desire, sure, I will hit the raves and the dance floor if I am stimulated enough with people that make me feel something, I will fill my wardrobe with clothes and prioritize that over things or over my family members, feed into capitalism and wasting more resources just to look a certain way for something, yeah I will spend the money for food despite not being worth it. Only if the circumstance makes it worth it for me to do these boring activities that annoy me and drain my energy so fast. Yeah it's not really a problem for me to raise my body count, it's easy, there is nothing in it but I have already killed the idea in my brain that it will be good enough. I have already seen the consequences and grief after the act, the possibility that someone else may have cherished and seen in the person ,that I was using their body for an act that is supposed to be one of the most intimate acts that now became a very common hobby for people, all they wanted in their life and how it will only make me crave more till it quickly stop making me excited. Seeing a new naked body a new face will indeed make me empty, seeing the usual ones will get me attached and sooner or later I will perhaps not savour it and only do it to stop a small urge. I will be giving a very tiny bit of my soul to someone for a few minutes, performing badly maybe, lacking size probably, not giving them what they really need, possibly getting an anxiety attack or even simply refusing to cooperate for it to end in me not meeting them ever again. Even for casual sex, I cannot not want a favourite person or two if I am degenerate. It's a waste of time and I will grow old and none of those girls who sought fun is even going to be a good memory for me. Drinking is not healthy, and a very easy to access habit, however it requires planning and hiding the traces just like smoking. I long despised those two because I've seen how stupid you look for indulging in them. Now in all honesty, people are not just one habbit or hobby, people who hook up do not hook up 24/7. They go to university, they sit next to you, they talk to you and you even fall in love with them when they lie to you about themselves and you give them a chance. People who drink and smoke are not lost, incapable , not healthy and unable to form a thought or partake in society. People who party and rock it are not soulless, they talk to you, let you vent and give you life advice you don't get from many. So why pretend that I am doing any of that because I am hiding behind values alone? Sure, there is a big difference between someone who is addicted to sex and someone pretending to be an innocent loverboy/girl, between someone who you can rely on when stuff goes down hill. It's the prejudice that heavily influences and blocks interactions with those people...I am not unable to do those things, I am, I simply made calculations in my head and factored in how easily addicted I am to things leading to me being convinced that I cannot do these things for I am already ruined. Now, am I saying that I won't hook up with someone that may ask me out, it's not a definitive no...am I saying I am not putting a cigarette in my mouth? certainly not. Have I stopped cutting myself? . Do I think I will never drink? welp that I don't think I will there is not a single benefit. Weed,Cannabis,meth etc... There is not a definitive no. Am I judging those people and condemning their acts purely from a moral standpoint? Unless they hurt someone by their actions or lack of honesty, then no it's not established on morals. Am I mad that people think I am not fun because I don't do these things for circumstances or fears of addiction? Certainly I am.