(Personal) Goodbye to you, the pain is the birthday gift that I got from you.
I wished you didn't lie about that, I wish you have noticed that I knew you were lying. I wish you came clean. There was no problem in admitting that you club, drink and hook up with people. It was simple, there was no judgement for you doing those things. I was mad that you were lying to me and taking me for a fool not knowing that everyday I was being burned because of your lies. I was burning everyday because I know very well that your actions and beliefs do not match your words. I do not care how many times you were out drunk, how many dicks did you have this week or how many guys did you sleep with during summer. I wanted you to be honest and that's all, you were thinking I was dumb but I wanted to give someone once the chance to be honest and reveal the truth without me having to look for it myself. Truthfully, I knew what kind of person you were, I knew how disgusting your lies were just to make me attached. You suddenly flipped your personality just to manipulate me like the evil thing you are. I am dissapointed, I am dissapointed and mad that you were treating like some crazy nobody while I was being physically and mentally hurt that you were not as precious and dignified as I wanted you to be. Why did you lie? Why despite all the men on your doorstep did you decide to lie to someone who had nothing but pure intentions to you? Does it make you happy, turned on or makes you feel like you are living life to manipulate people and break their hearts? How old do you have to be to play it good girl while all that you go to are clubs and bars and all you wear barely covers half of you? There is no judging the nakedness or promescuity, you are free, I was judging your hypocrisy. You judged people that were different to you, while you were claiming that they were judging you. I begged of you to be honest and clear, a monster that is honest and caring is nothing compared to the love I had for you. Everyday I wanted you to not make me look dumb trying with you, you were my final chance, the only shot I wanted to give. Why have you tormented me, lied to me, mocked me, played to my face, and pretended to change not once nor twice? Why did you do this even when I cried begging to accept whatever person you were just so we could be together, I punished myself for what I thought I had did to you, only for it to be a lie??? How dare you say I broke your heart as a lie, don't you think someone might throw themselves in a grave if something like that ever happened? You are the first that I have ever loved truthfully and all of those words and events have destroyed me mentally. I survived all those years and I never in my life noticed that I was having anxiety or panic attacks all the time...that I do not want to be next to people, that I constantly only think of killing myself. Aleh farrat feya haka, why are you so evil yet pretending to be nice. I wouldn't have stopped talking to you or be there for you even if it was just as friends if you were honest. If you were lonely or bored or whatever...even if you wanted to use me to heal. I do not understand why did you hold me if your intention is to break me knowing that I was already broken- no, why did you crush me like that knowing I softened up to you a lot...just so you could feel safe, just so I could feel your warmth? Was it really that hard for you to put it into words that you are living a promiscious life, or that you are unable to commit because your heart belongs to another or even many others, was it hard to admit that you have no feelings and all that you do is for fun? It's a simple sentence! Why do you keep me confused and in pain, you blame for acting the way I do not knowing that I am constantly torn between two states: one that believes that you manipulating me terribly just for you sick and twisted self and the other is that I am not worth your trust and you are still hurt. Do you not know how humiliating that is to act in a loving way to someone that is hurt, someone that you consider your first love and feel horribly about, that you cannot let anyone think even slighlty bad about, that your heart bleeds when they or anyone think badly about to the point that you overreact over the simplest thing just because the thought of anyone not seeing you the way I do hurts me deeply, someone that I couldn't sleep 5 months because of, thinking I caused them pain while they were lying to me the whole time. You are a cold hearted evil person, you do not know how mentally destroying it is to want to step forward towards you and your brain tells you to step back. Everyday a contradiction, a lie, something new that you tell me that is completely the opposite of what I have seen. Kol youm kont nokreblk w nzid nebeed, tkoul aleya ena draining wena nhawel nsaddak bel sif li enti makch kadheba. How humiliating that is, to beg to be with someone you desire to brush their hair for them while they are laying down or on their knees with another one and you have been long forgotten. I told you a thousand times to spare me this humility, I told you many times that I cannot love you fully if I do not trust you. I said do not play with my feelings, your life doesn't concern me unless it becomes a piece of my heart. I cannot believe how much I let you disrespect me, humiliate me, mock me, turn me into a fucking dog with no respect or self-dignity just so that you could not be hurt again, so that you find someone so patient with your horrible poisenous tongue and hurtful, dismissive and manipulative remarks. You think that I do not notice or find things out, you think that I do not remember every and each word that have been said, you think I do not notice inconsistencies. Bellehi aalik lweh, belhak lweh, I know that you do not believe in a God, nor in morals, nor in compassion,empathy or sympathy and that all you care about is money and sexual pleasure. But how could you, even in the most vile of interpretations, waste your time on me? Is being this vulnerable made you want to tear me piece by piece? You remember me after you did this and that, when I do not please you, you swiftly make me have a panic attack and want to off myself. While you are this- thing...I barely try to look in the direction of a random female in the street, I do not look at anything or think of anyone else, because for me it felt like cheating. I waited because moving on felt like cheating, I didn't consider anyone or anything until enough time has passed. I would have grieved for you until I finally see that you belong to another. All that time, your hands didn't make sure to write something clear and honest but they surely were doing a lot of things. How dare you be this cruel...how dare you do that while i wouldn't hesitate to offer my blood to you? What kind of monster are you...why do you get angry at me even if I didn't anger you, but only I get punished if my body or mind scream out of the pain and danger? Why did you forget what you made me go through and punished me further by this fake hope...don't you have a human heart? I told you, not once or twice, that if you please CANNOT CHOOSE ME, DON'T KEEP ME AROUND. How hard was it to just find 20 guys to keep you entertained and leave me alone??? You had many already on your social media accounts, why beat me up more than I deserve? Aleh istabaht feya li maamlou feya had khaterni khallitk mhabba fik? Aleh hata ken jet fama kelmet ha9 feli sar lkolo, kifeh tehsebni makont naaml fi effort wala nhawel nkoun fl mostawa wakteli kodemi hit ki nmess nethrak, w kbal manousel lel hit edheka nhess fi rouhi kaad nebeed alik? Aleh baad hedha lkol tatlaa tekdheb aleya, aleh ken ena manajmch nmchi niich hyeti aadi, aleh ken ena nhess bdhanb kol youm nkoul bch nmchi w nkhalik raghm li sar, aleh ken ena mendkhel nkoul eli tkoulou mch fl 9alb mteha, aleh ken ena ki nra haja tradded w nachlak bhkeya baadha lezemni nebeed alik w nensek le nhawel. Ena chnya amalt bdhabt bch habbitek enti bidhet bin ness lkol, aleh manajmch mara nkoun rude maak kif ma enti tkoun, aleh ena njmch nrmi rouhi ala ay antha w nokhrej lel boitet wli toordhni nmake outi maaha w niich hyeti kifek wala ki ghirek just khtr nehchem wala manhbch had yhess beli nhess bih ena men dekhel. Sometimes, I wish you were just as ugly on the outside, maybe then, my brain can feel attracted to another female. Sometimes I wish I never believed you when I told you that I think of you a certain way. It is your freedom to do whatever you want and let how many you want enter your body, to kiss whoever you want and date whoever you want. it's not your freedom to pretend to be someone else just so you can break my heart even harder. I saw you and I know you, but I just couldn't believe the person that also treated me this kindly can be just another soulless apathetic bitch. I didn't want to think anyway or anyhow about you, I ignored all the signs, I ignored everything because how dare I think lowly of you. How dare I claim that you are no more than a pretty body with curves that is uncovered and good to look at? How dare I just reduce you to someon's past time, a one time fuck somewhere? How can I just reduce you to another stupid girl with no real personality or meaning in life? How could you give this much and not be emotional from the inside? How can you be this glorious yet swim down in the sewers with those people? I give you my eyes and not a disgusting human looks at you with their putrid superficial eyes, but turns out that's what you want. A simple sentence, a simple 'I am not made for that love' or 'I am not the clean nor soft girl you thought I was, BECAUSE I DO THIS AND THIS' or 'please, I lied about being hurt, but you do not deserve to be lied to anylonger, I am not the one for you, I do not want something serious, I only want to have fun and do what I want...' Why did you have to make me hate everyone, hate school, hate this city, hate every place, color, song, word, language, time, date and name that reminds me of you? How could I possibly believe that you are of a kind heart while you always choose the most harsh, indirect, dishonest, and violent words to give me? Why was I this worthless and ugly for you to lie to all this time without a shread of guilt? Why did you waste two years of my life for nothing...why did I ever feel soft about you, why haven't I treated you like everyone else who didn't even deserve my anger nor my hatred? Why did I pick the worst person possible and let my heart's guard down for them to eat it with their monstreous teeth so they just taste the purity of my love for them? Why did i love someone I knew that I would never live happily with just because of the love and sympathy I have for them...Why couldn't you be honest...even evil people can be honest...why am I not evil enough like you to go and live my life without guilt, without shame and without remorse? Why have I forgiven you...why did I love you first because of your little cat? Why have you used the very deepest and darkest corners of my life just to make fun of me while you were doing those disgusting things after that my brain made me unable to desire anything but to cry in your arms and let the years of agony all out? Why did I turn you into an angel while you are the furthest thing from it? Why am I begging and begging...just to love someone who in the eyes of others doesn't look like a fraction of the person my eyes see? Why I am shy of even holding hands or looking into the eyes of someone, that I am now well aware of the things they are doing outside? Why did I, of all people, decide that my first and last true love is someone who doesn't love anything except everything that doesn't deserve love? What did I deserve, to be treated like a worthless, stinky and inable mut? Why couldn't I just leave you alone like you left me? Why doesn't anyone or anything make you suffer? This is not just, was I not worth even the truth? Did I look so horrible in your eyes, that all the cruelty and lies you were giving me was actually turning you on, did the life that you suck out of me make you able to suck the next persons' ... ? How dumb was I, to give you a chance, to think that you are mature enough. Turns out...I was right from the beginning, I do not understand how or why. But you are perfectly the kind of girl I never want to even know about their existence in the body of the kind of girl that I would never forget. Hata li lahdha hedhi, nchouf fel li tkal lkol, feli taaml fih, win tmchi wkol w nhawel nsaddak eli enti khatik. I hope that you explode to shreds, you lying, narcissistic, empty, apathetic, pathetic, failing, piece of unworthy flesh ,and you are nothing more but a (you know the word, you deserve it, just like you were able to call me all those words, I should be able to call you those words back). Get a life before you sleep with the next 10 guys, no one wants true love if they are a dishonest lying piece of shit who weaponizes fear, kindness and gaslighting to manipulate others for fun. You really need to suffer, may your days become worse than mine, may your trash lifestyle ruin you and your life, may you never achieve your goals, may you never find happiness whether in a Porshe, the next guy's cock, in europe or anywhere. I hope you get what you deserve, and I hope I had the disgusting soul to mean any of these worlds truly without crying behind a screen just to pretend that I am getting back a bit of the life and respect that you abused out of me