Happy 1 year anniversary to me losing my mind. (confessions special)
I will no longer wait, I will no longer explain, I will no longer negotiate. I admit I hurt you and many others, I admit that loving you was a horrible mistake. That's it, simple as that, I knew it all from the beginning but I had never seen such softness with all this hate and wickedness and I would lie if I said that I didn't want you all for myself. But for the others, I hurt you by pretending to be something I am not, or something I am sometimes. I didn't like closeness, yet I liked the presence, and for many...that almost meant closeness. I couldn't lie enough to hide the "toxic" tendencies I have, I do not want to treat someone in a special manner just to end up not being special to them, I hate having them in my mind while they do not. Which is why I backed down from the many friendships I had, which is why for many of you it seemed weird when I dissapear quickly. I am highly sensitivie and empathetic, for what is known, I can feel when I am slightly not welcomed. However I became aggressive in that way and I quickly leave. For you, it is supposed to not work that way; quickly trying to get to know as much as many people to finally find the ones with qualities you like. It's totally different, if I sit still and do nothing, no one will notice me. I had to "socialize", and I will not lie to you, if I ever talked to you, whether boy or girl, I had interest in you. It may seem for many of you that FF I was doing is problematic, I apologize for it. I apologize for anyone that helped me and then seen my disgusting behaviour the from 2025-2026. While before that I wasn't planning on tolerating disrespect or lack of mutual interest, I became unable to handle any relationship. Not because of anything, but the realisation that the mask is awfully tiring. I cannot call you my friend without texting you once a day at least, and it feels like a chore, but I always wonder. I always wonder because i was always alone, I always wonder because yes I am interested in some of you currently that may stumble upon this but there is no way to know you better without talking, yet I find myself always sending a text first which means I am absent from your thought. I always come back: out of guilt, out of shame, out of empathy, out of nostalgia, out of hope, out of pity, out of respect, out of moral obligation, out of need. I hope my enthusiasm wasn't overly mistaken, which it was many times. My idea of attraction made people get the wrong idea; no amount of care,understanding,alignment or attachement created by closeness can overcome physical attraction and lust. You are not able to love someone without loving their outside, and you can read it in the faces if you are desired or not. If I liked someone's character and I see there is no need to push it further, you will find me in your life, not daily, but with my soul I would stay with you hours if no one got your back and you ran to me. I do not want to name you, but I am sorry if I looked at you with anger, I know none of you care enough to notice the scars around my eyes and on my cheek or my fully red left arm or the cuts around my neck, just my inability to talk and hostility. I hope that you forgive me because all I ever wanted was to matter, enough...because I was never enough. I don't need or can handle social interactions,I can't handle a "hi how are you", if I say hi to you once I will say hi to you forever and want to be by your side, otherwise please do not be aware of my existence. It is toxic but I cannot stop myself from hating someone who talks to anyone else, even if there is nothing between us, declared or not, even if we are not meant for something that is expected to include such reaction. It is true, I want something genuine beyond measure, that I refuse to stay if I am treated like anyone else while I am being invested. My behaviour worsened and I apologize to anyone who cared, I especially apologize to my hgs; f,n and especially R for listening to all of that. I apologize to L, for not being able to do that...I faced the same problem before and this time my emotions were ten folds the amount back then or even more, I couldn't be there for Y at that time and I betrayed her...and whenever I came back I think I only made her hate me more. Till there was a time I saw her finally and I wasn't able to apologize, it was a mistake so horrible that I am paying dearly for it. Not the only one, but the one I believe affected the most. I couldn't seem honest or genuine to none of you, even those who communicated with me a lot, still do not understand how much it doesn't mean nothing to me to open up to someone that is not the one. I hate feeling forced to talk to someone out of shame just for them to not care. I lost my mind partially but I also lost the will to pretend. Yes I am kind but doing so drains me a lot. But there was a time...a time in which all I ever was to make someone proud. I don't know if I really hurt them or they were just annoyed, but I felt like I was nothing compared to their standards, I lashed out and disrespected them, perhaps in their eyes, because I was hurt whenever I failed to do something or help them. I was always feeling like a burden, emotionally, financially and academically. I was so anxious and insecure with them that I ruined the best that could have ever happened to me. Why would I pretend that I want to talk to someone else except them? I was never this insecure in the recent years but the emotional abuse made me always feel like nothing for them, only to them. But it's all good for now, I accepted my flaws. I accepted that I just wanted the wrong person, almost destroyed or ended my life, hated everyone and everything and couldn't get myself out of it...because even now, my brain refuses another touch, another body, another face, another voice and another entity. It refuses to feel better because the pain is associated with whatever I couldn't feel for years. It is all fake but I cannot stop the flashbacks, the scenarios and the hurtful things playing in my head. This is why I am making it stop now, I am choosing myself. Despite lying, despite the fake faint hope of 1 percent chance that it is not over, I am willing to take that step. I am willing to risk leaving you behind, like I risked everything when I told you about my feelings. It was truly over one year ago, but I could not understand it till now. May I never feel soft for a bored unhealed shallow materialistic person ever again. May this be a new beginnning, may whoever be next be the last, may I make everything I wanted real, may I forget you and all of those that ruined my life forever, may I not care and have your name and face erased from my memory and my heart that I do not have the empathy to remember you whenever I do anything and feel bad that you may be thinking about me while I am doing something that hurts you; because in the end, I am the only one who didn't want to hurt you while you pretended to not to. This took too long, it is nothing but a mere statement, that I am moving forward. I have people in mind, activities in mind and love to give, this time safely, to someone else. I am sure, that it will only be bigger, because of what they mean to me. This time around...I will not accept being the escape plan, the safe space or the savior of someone who was hurt by someone else the chose. I will not accept needed over being desired, I will heal you if you are not using me for that. I am not the backup, the break, the thing you settle for nor the "husband material". To each their way of living, I will not remove my standards or boundaries because I understand your pain that made you a monster. I never became one despite all that happened to me.