I am ready to start again, but I will be more direct. So listen to me...

30 Apr, 2026

I have to admit that my approach is a toxic one for many, but it's the most quick and efficient. However, I gave a promise last year; that whoever I am interested in and talking to will be the last ever. I hereby go back on that promise. I know how disgusting some people feel at the hearing of 'my last was crazy/lying etc...'. I blame no one for believing what people say, I believe people too and I experienced first hand. My mistake was ignoring all the red flags, even what normal people can't spot on, I let lies and confusion slide because of my empathy. There is no need to go on and on, some know me for my "bad past", to admit it without a single bit of humiliation or shame. Whatever you heard may been overexagerated, or misinterpreted. I was still vengeful before 2025, I was still aggressive when someone starts playing or thinking they are able to play me, while the truth is that I saw some good qualities in them and wanted to get to know them better. Yet, I was talking to a number or in a way that may seem to some as "bad". I admit it, I wasn't patient, being slow meant someone else could get in the picture. I had no intentions to play multiple people, I focus on one person and I barely can always be there for them. I made correct choices during those two years yet the person I decided to be loyal to was the wrong choice, again, I chose them in a period of weakness. I lost my self-respect, but I rather say those things and try my best for someone who really was hurt and needed someone. If one day you hear of me being "crazy", you haven't seen how I wasn't able to move from my bed even to the bathroom or how I came back to college with both my upper limbs full of scars from finger to shoulder, my neck, my face and my chest. You haven't seen how I never looked at anyone in the eye, how I ghosted, how I isolated. If anytime soon you hear that I am something or whatever...please tell me that you heard something about me and inform me if you believed it or not. I have no more energy in me or patience, to prove something. I am ready to start again, but I cannot promise you that in the first steps I wouldn't be haunted with their image. It kills me and pains me that I am deceiving you or cheating on you in my head. I am sorry if the abuse was strong enough that even when my primal brain sees someone attractive I cannot imagine them but that person. It wasn't love, it was abuse, it was coming and going, it was lying, it was confusion, victimisation and the most horrible words ever said. I didn't want that image they had of me to be real, I felt their pain and I never wanted someone to be in the position I was in when I was 12. Low and behold, a 20 years old being a stupid kid who still plays games. Whatever it is, I do not get attached to many people. It's the total opposite, I get attached once in years. I have no true ambitions anymore but to be with someone and be a father. I had no childhood, forgive me if this is funny for some of you who has no depth or feel nothing, whatever I write is not for the materialistic whores with no truth in them. This is what motivated my approach of trying to know people as fast as possible, I didn't get anyone attached and left. I didn't speak to anyone randomly, I saw something I liked in them and tried. It's only when I feel that it's a humiliation ritual taking place that I pull out. I find it humurous that when the other gender does worse, it's normal, but when a male does a fraction of it, he gets shamed while simultaneously the worst of us get the love. This is all nonsense, I do not care about what I did. I only care about the person that will genuinely be in love with me or whoever may be taking interest in me. You have to understand, that pain ties stronger than liking. It doesn't mean that my love for you will be any lesser. But the lust, memories, pain and trauma left may be strong at first, or even when I try to talk to you the first time. When you are attached to someone, truly, genuinely with all your heart, your brain cannot accept another face, body, proportions, colors and noises. I may lie right now and fall head over heels for someone, but due to the fact that I never felt anything truly in life. I am always afraid of taking a step, my brain feels super tired and thinks that staying attached to a slut is more safe and replaying the lies, the pretending and the very hurtful words that caused me panick attacks is easier than the effort to meet someone new. Unlike them and many others, I am mature. I will inform you about that pain, I will inform you slowly and methodically about my past if you let me trust you and show me that you are serious, I will tell you my problems and what bothers me. I feel this is the best course of action, I have no problem with abuse, coldness, lack of flirting or anything. I just like honesty; if you are cold, tell me why, if you are saying something hurtful apologize and tell me why. Please, do not leave me wondering. Admitting my problems out in the open is not an act of courage, but an act of inspiration. I do not seek fully from it the transmission of these information to a single person, but to those who may find in it correct advice, for those who are left wondering or judged me in a wrong way. As much as I hate to admit and it may undermine my efforts, I think the reason I am still in pain is that, even if my brain can accept that the words I waited 21 years to hear were said by a liar, or rather, those words are said by girls without a single reflection on how they fall, I liked them physically and they had a lot of qualities I liked. Then again the worse thing is that they are the only one, yet, that I craved to cry in their arms and be hugged by them before I even imagined kissing them. I was unable to, however the amount of disgust I grew to have made me force myself to strip them from dignity in my head. The way I deal with things is toxic, maladaptive and hurtful. It is effective, I rather face and rawdog this pathetic event with all I have. When I had problems, I never treated them badly. But when I became sick because of them, I became a burden because my brain and heart were hurting and I wanted to feel safe...safe with the person that made me feel in danger. I am not the first nor the last, I wasn't played but I saw every step and every hint but I wanted to not give up on my promise and I have already growed familiar with them that I do not want to try again. For them, I was just another dude, like the ones they had on their multiple snaps and gathered 100.000 snapscore from, the guys they meet in high end cafe,hotels and trips or on their social media...no hate or no judging. The way they lived was enough for me to realise what kind of female they were, yet I felt bad when I saw somethings and heard some words. I don't feel bad, I cannot say that I will be accepting them back if I am in an emotional engagement with someone else. I am only informing you, that I, know exactly how I will be feeling, how I will be acting, how hard it will be for me, not because that I truly want them back, but because of the damage they have done. Yes, I am using you to heal, I want to fall in love with you because you healed something that you didn't make. My endurance and toughness is unmatched, they are not the first betrayer, liar or whore I met. I was struck by friends a thousand of times. I want to finally feel safe and not overthink, I want to do the things I wished to do with them. This is where the most important part comes in, I would be direct and cold for both of us, I hope you can handle it. I will no more sugar-coat my doubts or my needs. If I feel that I am not being exclusive or want you to focus on me, I will say it and if you are not okay with it, I will leave. If you ask for dates, I will tell you how pathetic I am in planning them, but tell me what you are into and I will show you how good of a planner I am in general; I only want directions. I will tell you that I have certain boundaries that aren't mine but of my environment, I hope you respect that and I will compensate. I rather know everything, even small, about your past. Not because that I will judge you, but I need to calm my overthinking and control my jealousy. I overthink easily but I am reassured way easier. I am okay if you tell me "I will be studying for 2-3 hours, I won't text". I will believe you, if you want I would like to be in a silent call with you, If you feel that you can't focus alone? I will be glad to study with you somewhere. If you leave your house or not studying, I would gently ask you to keep me updated and text me during that...just to calm me down. I know how reassurance is heavy and tiring for women, but never ever think I wouldn't call you all night and insist we talk, never think that I will be lazy and write you a 2 lines apology. Move towards me with 2 steps full of fear and I will sense your sacrifice and come to you 10 steps. But do not move towards 2 steps because you don't want to get deep with me so that going back is easier. I will not sleep, preparing a lesson for you or getting ready for you and especially if you are mad. I have no reason to not hold your stuff, come with you to your places even if I hate them. I have no problem coming to visit you if you need me. I have no problem delaying intimacy. I have no problem tracking your cycle with you and adapting to your needs. I have no problem in buying you groceries or shopping with you or even on my own when needed. I have no problem taking care of you when you are sick. I have no problem if you need a hunder kiss on the head or to cry from morning to night. I have no problem if you tell me things that make you feel bad. I have no problem if you show me your insecurities and reveal to me the parts of your body that you hide. I have no problem listening to your yaps. I have no problem staying in chat with you when my s******* comes in. I have no problem handling your anger, your pain, your lash outs...but please when you do those apologize immediately or warn me before that. You can cut me before cutting me off, You can look ugly and pathetic when you cry. No matter what your parents, your friends, your cousins, your family, your teachers...or as much as I hate to type it, whoever you loved before did, I will understand you...because I went through hell and back. Please, realise that my happiness depends on yours. I cannot be happy when you are not, for that I need to know, tell me without waiting for my questions, please do not be afraid of telling me details. I will not leave, I promise, I am too burnt out to start again, I don't think I have it in me to get attached again and then move on. I am a guy, getting someone new interested me takes years and a thousand people, I don't look at you or kiss your lips passionetly and think about the next female. Even if you burn me out, I stay, I was there not once not twice. I am educated enough to realise what love is and what neurotransmitters are hormones are, unfortunately if you do not know how to distinguish between love as a function and a feeling or your hormones/emotional states; we are going to have problems or not work out. If I know that you respect me, you love me and you are loyal to me. Behaviour that has an explanation is forgiven when forgiveness is asked for. I want to grow with you, I have no interest in protecting my ego and staying alone. So please, before you take a decision, talk to me before you talk to your stupid friends. I never seen a female friend correctly advice her friend, I cannot remember once telling a friend to hurt a girl, even when a girl was playing him I tell him to leave her alone. Even if I am the problem, I prefer that you talk to me about my own behaviour and make me feel safe enough to tell you why I did what I did...I wish that someone out there understands what does mental illness do to you. I am not mentally ill because of one experience, no there wasn't many experiences, it's just life itself and the environment that made me like this. If I like you, be sure that I like you on many planes;physically,morally,ethically,intellectually,emotionally and I find that we share a lot of things. For me, love is a long conversation, I do not seek a woman that is not sexy enough that the only thing she may be able to do to me is make my penis throb. I do not desire a woman that doesn't make me go crazy when she is hurt. When I said I have no problem, I tried to attenuate it, but I want to. I am sorry that the woman I wanted to wash her feet for her turned out to be like that, I am sorry I am not a crazy guy that drives cars/bikes or make you feel sudden rushes of things. I am stable and sensitive, I cannot possibly do things to you to ensure that I am not predictable while they hurt you. I seek nothing, but someone that makes me want to live. Ask for anything, all I look for is a safe space that stays. I will take care of you, I want to be responsible for you, but do not judge me on the standards you see on reels. If you can handle the weakness and sensitivity my devotion brings, I will show you how deep I can give you. Trusting you is the only thing I want you to work on. The size of your chest or shape of your bottom do not matter to me if I find that in you. I would not lie, you cannot love someone you are not attracted to physically. I insist that women with fat on their body exist, that clothes and garmets can make you hot, angles,lighting ,and poses turn you into the sexiest creature, mind games and emotional abuse can make anyone attached. I want you to look into my eyes and see that I am not ready to lose you because no one is special like you, I want you to look into my hands that caress your face and trust that those hands would not touch the curves of another woman while your heart is in them. This is why I must come forward with the truth that I am a boring recluse, an insecure fuck, a judgemental avoidant and easily irritated person. I won't be mad for long, I won't yell at you if you don't trigger my sickness, I won't refuse a thing for you or to you. I am no more in highschool, nor are you. Romance happens, but I no more look for a romance that leads to dissapointment. I prefer romance that is born from safety rather than excitement. I admit that I am not patient and I run after things instead of letting them cook slowly, this is why I ask you to understand the reasoning behind it. A slow boring phase in this world of dopamine addiction is boring, the moment the excitement drops a bit;another person comes back to play. There is a lot of risk in "taking it slow" and I am not entertaining someone who is not sure. If you are sure, you jump straight in. Men and women are different, and its the social media advice for girls that makes it hard enough to deal with guys while the majority of girls are looking for fun and validation while refusing loyalty and patience. You have a horrible pot of people when guys slowly become more and more toxic due facing immaturity or suffering due to the mistakes of lustful couples in their younger years. As much as I've seen "choose the girl with the pretty heart, not the pretty face" or "blame guys for lying about their personality", I understand why would someone be a bit "stupid" in the way they deal with things, or worse, make their partner look stupid because the way they react and deal with them made them unable to make a move. A lot of ugly or average dudes have splendid personalities, many hot girls got a personality that is worth more than her beauty. "What does this have to do with anything?", you might ask. I am establishing the paradox in these times, where love and romance is the most desired but the most avoided. Competing for the most likes, being satisfied that random men are pleasuring themselves to your content or even pleasuring themselves using your body thinking that you too are having fun, texting a hundred new person or more yearly to fill the void, getting broken and using a temporary person to heal, rotating, fun with no committment, hooking up etc... This is not an environment for romance or building anything, as long as you are obsessed with your phone, obsessed with validation from others, you will not. It's sad that even when you want to change, you cannot change or wipe your past. Your snapscore, your bodies, your breakups, your exes, your situationships, your rosters, your sacrifices, your innocence, your softness, your brain...all of these things matter even if they were in the past. Your partner deserves full transperancy, do not deceive a man and inform him months later after traumatizing him that on top of your high snapscore acc you had a secret other account, do not show him or tell him about the other boys you had too late, do not show him pictures of yourself in the most revealing of dresses after he already decided to commit. Do not touch a woman on her thigh if you are not wiling to touch her face is she cries because you hate it. Do not flirt with her for hours and stare at her body on her highlights but when she is mad you cannot give a minute. Don't tell her/him you like them but you still having sex around with other people. If you break up, at least respect their feelings and wait for a couple of months...maybe you want them back, maybe they need you. Do not text someone else if you are in bad terms. We are devoided of empathy, and I hate it, don't look at me like I am a fool, I was in this game before you even made your first instagram account or wore your first revealing outfit for fun. I was blessed by whatever my brain suffers from to not love this lifestyle, I am empty and this is even more empty than I could handle. Whatever happened to me last year, happened because I couldn't handle the words you circulated about me unfairly and I watched them say the most vile, poisoneous and heartbreaking words at me because they thought I was playing with their heart. Although their true colors showed, even if what she told me is all a lie. I hope you understand how horrible it is to believe the words of people while there is proof in front of you. Please, if you have doubts about your partner, strangle ur partner rather than running to your friends that may be dumber than you. If you see a girl and know that you truly cannot be attracted to her, please do not text her anymore, even if you need help and you know she will reply. If you didn't like a guy physically, please do not convince yourself that you may like him in the future. I will start again and this time my standards will filter better, because I know that a true intellectual will adhere to morals, value reciprocation, understand conflicts and maintain conversations while the "nice" who gives is not enough. This is why I sincerely feel that the best way to filter the noise, to not waste time with people that are having a hundred option they keep around pretending they are "friends", to not let someone have fun by manipulating you, by not ruining your mental health due to someone's unhealed whore of a child, is to be cold and direct in your demands. Put your lifestyle, your goals, your limits, your boundaries, your past, your intimacy, your flaws, your strengths quickly enough. There is no friendship between male and female that demands depth, if someone is interested in anything except transactions/reciprocation in the emotional plane it may pass. But men and women keep people around as "options", however the way men and women deal with it is so different. Men do not entertain those people or fuel their ego through validation, they may text them once in a while just to make sure they are not ghosted, they may even not text them at all but just like their stories in a blue moon and if they like someone, they do not interact with the others. They even lose all of those friends for months to make sure their loyalty is pure. Which is not the case for girls, even if they stop texting or posting, the options will stay warm so when they breakup they quickly find someone new. This too hurts relationships heavily because of how common those things are and that there is no way to make sure that your partner or the person you want to be your partner is in a high level of empathy and morals to not do that. I simply came to the conclusion that the best course of action, just like I used to do, is extreme analysis of the person. Even if the sight of her hips or butt makes you fall on your knees, even if you cannot feel the sexual attraction to another but her, even if you feel bad for him or you think he is carrying immense sexual energy or is hot. You are conflicting two things, you demand a long-term reward for a short-term work. The amazing full woman in the exterior won't fill you, she will be boring, she won't entertain you and if she doesn't offer enough intimacy you wouldn't be able to emotionally do the labour needed. That hot spicy dude with problems will never be a good "couple" with you, you just desire him and he will use your body and leave you in the aftermath. Sexual attraction is the basis of everything, it's true, deny it as much as you can. We make enough room for mistakes and compromise a lot for people who are pretty, this is why they are the most rude, non-empathetic, the most materialistic and the most prone to be whores/assholes. My system was always the same, now I am simply making sure to not waste someone's time or mine by not caring about someone's looks if there is a balance. If I am not sure that this person is attractive for me, then there is no need to try and let doubts interefere. I rather not taste and leave my bite there. This is the most morally just and ethically sound, I will not compromise or pretend to be kind, if my primal urges do not see something in them I will not enter in deep contact. This way, I will ensure that I will not get someone with a good personality and a gentle heart to be attached to be knowing that I am not giving them all the love possible...that deeply in my brain I may have craved something better. It is uncertain, I do not take risks because I will not be the only one damaged. Maybe familiarity and softness can make me see them pretty, but we all know that both lust and love create illusions. The judgement of the exterior is purely....Who cares? there is no need for all of this to be honest. It is all futile, I am dying alone and early