I truly want...something genuine.
I have to affirm, that I do not tolerate superficialities. Words and expressions matter a lot, clothes matter, hobbies matter, outlooks matter and treatment matters. I wake up the morning, not talking about winter 2024 until middle april 2026, and I cannot say I am excited to wear something expensive that looks very bland with all my skin revealed and my curves popping. I cannot look at someone and tell them that my deepest desire is some car brand; while I understand nothing of human engineering's marvels. I will not leave my house for a month, and live an amazing month, because I did many things that are soul-touching. I will cry, I do not feel the humility of admitting any longer, I cry a lot for anything whether a show or a song or a quote or just with my thoughts. I dreamt of people, I wrote about people, I spoke about people in a way that would make anyone look terrified. I never forget some experience with a book six years ago when the ending destroyed me. I cannot look at a story, even if's fully imaginary and a fantasy, and I do not get attached to it. I own a lot of "garbage" in my room, and all that garbage means a lot to me, old cheap jewelry, written letters I never sent to her or I wrote for myself, old relics that belong to one of my cousins, a protein bottle, notebooks, pens ...all sort of things. I cry at the fact that I am 21, and I have never experienced a lot of genuine things, things that I can save and look at in pictures. I do not have a SINGLE picture of myself saved in any of my devices, and the pictures I appear in, I do not even look at. I always avoided pictures, for the truth it was mostly due to my traumatic childhood, then I realized... I cannot stand looking at something that doesn't exist anymore. I don't want to know people that I will leave one day, forget me for something dull...this is why I cut most of the people I know. I cannot handle relationships anymore, not even friendships. I lie, I am the most toxic and manipulative person to exist and I claim to be the most heartless and it's all a lie. I refuse to change a phone because I got used to it, a broken chair, a pencilcase and even meaningless toys. I couldn't stop playing some videogames because I can't give up on the memories, the friends from middle school or high school, the nights or days I spent on those games. I feel bad about throwing things. However memories? It takes a lot for me to give up on them, thankfully bleeding them outs starts during the present so I won't be in pain when they end. I cannot, my heart cannot go from person to person, that's why I do not want to be associated with someone like you. A person that lacks empathy, that lives on attention, that is so interested in lust and eyes, that doesn't want to find themselves and happiness because the addiction to cheap attention from disgusting creatures is filling their void, they get hurt and decide to hurt, that only remembers you when they see you, that use you when their dopamine craves you instead of their body and nervous system. I refuse to be with someone that notices that I am talking about something and instead of thinking I am interested in them and the conversation, they think I am arrogant or full of myself whilst I got hooked in the fact that we can really talk about something of that caliber without superficial performative intellectualism. I cannot fall in love or like someone or lead someone new every 3 weeks, I fell in love with someone and I couldn't wait to wash their feet for them, feed them, cook for them, lift them to bed, brush their hair and take care of their health and fill their life just like they do. I do not break hearts or sell illusions out of my own fear, I own up to my mistakes and give myself to others if they need me. Something I no more do, because of how well I know my vulnerability would take over. I do not judge nor hate, I had a lot of acquaintances with lustful lifestyles, multiple bodies and experiences. I stand on a principle of no intervention, certain people are in a certain way and if you are someone who is polar opposite, you should simply not try to force anything. A girl with snap, dyed hair, piercings, always out in places you know well their reputation, secret account, adds 30 people in her life in 2 weeks etc... is someone nice and very friendly, reliable and helpful. The guy with a tattoo, who drinks and smokes, goes out all the time, who is addicted to partying or wearing expensive stuff, who has no personality and is only associated with bitches or snakes may be the most real buddy you will ever have and talk to you deeper than those weird "intelligent" "clean" nerdy guys with glasses..It's peak ignorance to see this someone and go about 2 ways; wanting an old-fashioned honest connection or claim that they are a bad person. I find it funny, when guys look over someone who could give them what they seek for someone that screams 'I am a red-flag'. That when we fall into obsession or need, we forget what those external signs mean inside, that some of us are not just looking to get our hormones and neurotransmitters altered by a new guy/girl everyday, or by cheating, or by being turned on, or by anything "toxic" or "materialistic". Even those that do something "real", quickly move on to the next and keep options and do not tell the truth. The point of conflict was never what someone is, but what they market themselves as, it's the treachery of telling the sensitive pure that you are what they are looking for, not knowing how deep their love go. We are confusing good people with good partners, but most importantly, we refuse to believe that some may be a bad person but able to do good things once. That people we judge as bad from our point of view do not deserve their version of love or loyalty, that they cannot be at least tolerated, they they are not sexually attractive and desirable. Our minds cannot accept that a hot tall girl with curves, the muscular guy who is super tall and looks like a model isn't desired, a good person or just better in all shapes or form, the halo effect wins over you, lust blinds your brain from noticing the lies and the patterns, you may fall in love and start convincing yourself that that girl isn't playing you. A guy sounds serious ,and work oriented and you fall in love with him not realising he has tried various sexual acts, was in love for years and is talking to you in a very degrading manner and you were about to give him- or worse, let him steal your innocence and your special first times that you wanted to give to your absolute love. You were young and foolish, your idea of love is tied to intensity, confusion, trauma and unpredictability that you got into his car as a young girl and he raped you. You loved her so much that you couldn't give up on her for 3 years while she is kissing boys in front of you, acting clueless when you tell her about your feelings, making a laugh out of you and closing your heart to people for year afterwards. How many were changed because we didn't want to admit that some people are not made for us, that they are toxic, that their lifestyle should be reserved for them and people like them, that they lack empathy or committment, that they do not know how to communicate, that are are genuinely evil and are using you for lust or for fun because breaking your heart, manipulating you, making themselves the reason of your trauma and a wound that never heals is what make them happy. We lose ourselves by giving ourselves to the wrong people, by refusing to make connections, by fear, etc... This is a fault I always made and I regret it deeply, to judge quickly or to be blinded by a single aspect of someone. I find myself running behind the ones that shouldn't be approached and wasting my time or getting annoyed. Girls are worse, they would say I want something genuine but get with a guy that asks them sexual questions 2 days in or someone that cannot even name a single thing they are interested in. I am flabbergasted that a girl would repeatedly claim to want something nice, soft and boring; the kind in which you simulate daily life with someone, yet choose people who do not understand their emotional turmoil or value anything about their personality. Loving someone for their body isn't bad, nor the most degrading reason to be in love. Not being able to love someone as much as you know you can because they are not attractive for you is absolutely valid and respectable, the honesty and clarity you offer by not creating fake hope or confusion in someone's heart is enough. You are not meant to sacrifice yourself knowing damn well you hold no burning desire for your partner. . No one hates someone because they do something they don't agree with, in fact, I am happy that you find happiness in sexual liberation, in smoking, in drinking, in partying etc... It may be degenerate but it's real, the only people that should be hated are those who hurt the innocent. Do not let someone worship you like a god while you are the devil, do not let someone believe you got their back while you are a sneaky liar behind it, do not let someone fantasize about being hugged and loved by you while many who never seen nothing in you but sexual pleasure have experienced everything in you that the one who was genuine about their feelings could never have, do not tell your friends about yourself as if you were a saint or a chosen one while you cannot do anything on your own while you shame them for trying. To think I will hate you if someone's dick was in you before me, if you are addicted to something I do not do, to wear stuff that I find weird, cringe or just bad, to play games I don't like, to live a life I do not find interesting, to be in a new girl's house every weekend, to refuse doing something I ask you to do for your own sake, that you will reject me rather than playing with my feelings, to think differently or listen to something different than me, or want to marry in an age different than me or view marriage or kids in another way, to see committment and experiences in another way, to have a view on life and purpose unlike mine and to simply be different or do something that I decided to not partake in...is simply not true. I am happy that you had fun with me or with another person, in fact, you could have shared those moments with me. It is only when someone is hurt that I do not associate with you The sad thing is only liking someone for their outer shell, not even that, but one specific part of their body. What on earth is love or interest in someone because you are into their chest or height; you seek to hook up or simply experience their body in its most intimate state that's all...not most intimate but naked for there is no vulnerability for you to explore. I love people more than they think, that I would give myself and lose the innocence of what I haven't experienced ever in my teens for someone who only seeks casual sex and to recharge, if I loved them that much, which is something I yet doubt but I could confidently say that I am not willing to die without experiencing a single intimate moment of great physical contact with someone that rewired my brain that much. Maybe I lack the self-respect to admit that as long as I come to experience them, even in that way, I would be happy. In reality I would have loved to come to your city, excited to see your face. Hold me, console me, then I'll leave without a trace. However, how can I be in such a state when someone have already established they feel nothing to any dick that enters them, to any mouth they kiss, to any hand or body that touches them; impossible that I will offer that moment to someone like that. It's not, again, about who they are as a person, but what I want to give. Reciprocation is the basis of all, I feel frightened that I may never experience full satisfaction with someone else, I feel afraid when I look at another set of eyes and I remember the times I cried or cut myself. I am not made to hurt people, even if girls are known to move on easier, some never do...As much as my narcissistic self would love to be the one that doesn't get forgotten, I would never go down like that. I was weak a very long time ago, I cannot stand seeing a genuine man with no scars get broken indirectly because of me. I take things very seriously, I will not make a family, a woman, a man or kids suffer because of trauma I created in someone or I caused for someone else. I do not inflict evil on the wicked, let alone to the innocent. The grief constrics my throat, crushes slowly my lower ribs, makes my chest heavy and makes me unable to think about anything except the pain and regret if I ever be with someone that doesn't drive me crazy. If I do not tell them to carve lines on my skin, if they don't push their nails to my epidermis, if they do not use me like a prostitute they own and love, if I cannot break down in front of them like the God I made them to be, if I do not have the desire to die before they grow old so that my devotion to them on any plane whether physical or emotional even dwindles a bit, then I know that I am not giving everything. If I do not shake on their mood swing, if I am not planning our next rave, next restaurant, next camping, next movie or finding her the most romantic and impressive dresses, planning our lessons and simplifying her life, if I do not skip my sleep for days and bleed or cramp horribly just to fix myself or be better for them...do you think I will ever consider that love? Do you think I will not feel that I am just "used to" you or "safe" with you. As much as safety truly harbors love, I do not feel it in me if I do not go crazy if we have to delay a date, or you cannot leave your house that day, or that I didn't get a picture of you the whole day, waiting drives me crazy but for that one I would go insane. I go insane and that's why my retroactive jealousy kills me, I cannot bear the pain of someone else crossing your thoughts. Have you ever wondered how haunting the memory of you is to me? After all I have gone through, what you made me go through is unforgivable yet my brain refuses to move on, refuses to imagine another arm, another bossom, other hips, other eyes, another voice, another silouette, another fantasy. You cannot come to a man whose whole type changed, whose morals were wrecked, whose standards were absolved, whose respect was crushed under the weight of that obsession. For many, they see it as unhealthy, but for they are not deep. They do not value someone more than themselves, they don't find in them the reason to wake up, to work, to live. I want to live for someone, but I am not telling anyone to become something they cannot, and I fear that I will always fall in love with someone that doesn't see me the same way I see them. I fear that I am not able to feel like that again. To cry if someone's mood change and running to comfort them, to fall in love harder if they cry in a way that is so pitiful that even their parents would look away in shame, to kiss their hand and put over your face whenever they feel annoyed, to get them out whenever they are bored, to change yourself for them, to seek their satisfaction before yours, to get tired before your turn comes, to break down just because the thought of someone sharing even the thought of their existence with you crossed your own mind, to accept responsibility over them because you want to, to become more useless so they do not feel like a burden to you, to allow them to distort your life, to have that distorted life, to change the way u talk, dress, speak and see the world for them, to go wherever they go, to eat like them, to lose control over yourself beyond what you allow yourself when alone, to give yourself for their pleasure and comfort...WILLINGLY, because you CRAVE that, not out of reciprocation, not out of loyalty, not out of good will. If I do not lose myself at night thinking about all of that, if I do not want it right now, if I do not want to make those memories that I missed right now with them, if I do not record our hugs, our first kiss, vlog every single moment,kiss,word,bite and tear then I do not want it. I want to be consumed and consume. I want to loom over them like their guardian angel. You cannot tell me to stay friends with someone I felt that to, you cannot tell me that someone I thought about like that is just an unhealed person who goes from a male to male to satisfy their ego and sexual urges, I would have struggled and panicked to hold your hand and he had your entire body and naked self. He heard you and saw you like that, he got everything that I desired from you and you think I am fine with it? I am okay if it happened to anyone else, I am fine to become just a friends with benefit, a backup, someone you meet just to hook up with, an experiment, if nothing deep happened. Even then, I cannot feel empathetic to someone I am not committed to only for the sexual pleasure. I love it when it's genuine, I love it when it's real...I am not dumb and I saw through everything very early on, but I couldn't let myself stop imagining how perfect of a person you would be for me if you weren't like that. I want a genuine friendship with someone, that everytime they see something they do not hesitate or present friction to ask me out to try it. I want a genuine friendship that when I feel down, we go out in less than 24 hours. I want a genuine friendship where I work with them in all aspects of their life. I want to be invited, I want to be remembered. Call it living for people, I live for the people, my people. The opinion of people that are not like you is what doesn't matter, even then, you cannot be so against people. I don't find people who rather smoke or drink instead of self harm pathetic for their point of view, i can sense their reasoning. I don't hate people who are only obsessed with expensive places and wearing expensive revealing stuff and posting about it all day and have a high snap score or whatever, I can see why they do that and find many reasons to explain why, it doesn't always lead to bad things. I know why would someone hook up with people all the time, why would someone isolate aggressively, have an episode and unfriend everyone or block people randomly, spend money on anything, go from relationship to another, ask their partner to harm them, go out for a one night stand, break hearts, lie, manipulate, not commit, avoid people, let themselves go, etc.... There is an explanation for everything, I understand all, I no more feel resentment for those who didn't like me for my looks, for my intensity, for my lifestyle and for me in general. I have lusted in ways that could reach attachement levels for people without them realising, I have waited years for someone that I rejected to move on so that I cannot hurt them, I've hurt family over the hurt someone who I thought I hurted put me through, I refused to be someone I loved because someone else loved me, I slowly left people whenever I felt like I am a burden, I failed exams, lost sleep, ruined my health just to talk to someone extra. I would feel like I am dying and my thorax is about to collapse on itself yet I couldn't ignore someone who I despertly needed. No, I will not delete the very last pictures/screenshots I have of someone that disrespected me, confused me and played with me but also thought that I am a fool because I tried to see the good in them...there will be a day where I must delete those, I cannot lie, I wish it won't come. If it wasn't for what I have gone through, I don't know which of my attempts would have worked, I don't know what would be my forever age.This is why, everything for me has a lot of value, even if its a piece of paper. I refuse to give up on anyone or anything, but putting my trust into those that do not feel the same made me create walls so high and dense that no one gets in or leave. I cannot let someone go, and when I started to practice detachement perfectly, I ignored how that ate my soul. I remember the names of anyone and everyone, I wish I couldn't...I wish I didn't feel cringe in pictures or videos, I wish I didn't protect my ego so much. In avoiding lies and delusions, I missed some genuine connections. Will they forgive me? Do I name you? Do you know yourself? Do you realise how pathetic I am when I refused you, back then? Do I realise how I crave genuine but my desires guide me for a lustful connection? Do I realise that my constant dissapointments made me hard to deal with? Do I feel like there is something left in me to give? I doubt it...but I am still, stupidly, clinging into the hope, that maybe this genuine connection will come. Where I am first, the only and the last...where I won't be afraid to do the silly things, where I feel I am growing in a loving environment. But now, I need to start doing myself, I am an empty shell and someone I crave is someone who isn't performative. I hate lies so I myself should drop the facade, and own my flaws and mistakes. I need to be genuine with myself, so that I can give my lover a genuine connection. I don't want a placebo, I don't want lies to not hurt me, I don't want someone to pretend, I don't want someone to take me for a fool, I don't want someone to be ashemed of their feelings, their addictions, their fantasies, their sexual experiences, their family problems, their fears and their goals. Thankfully I always forget in the present, distracted and empty...otherwise I would have lost it, or discovered myself? Have you ever liked someone enough, you felt like like a low intelligent life compared to them, you felt like you needed to match them in everything, you felt like you need to be as kind as they are? Have you ever craved a connection so hard, that they would not be ashemed of doing anything in front of you, that they would do disgusting things to you out of possessiveness or sexual exploitation? Have you ever craved someone that would dress you, teach you, want to massage you, want to do your hair, want to give you breakfast in the morning, someone that cannot stay without showing their love to you every instance? Have you ever felt that you crave physical touch that it makes you nauseous and shake, that it drives your nervous system into alert, that all the rumours of being a sexualizer or a lustful individual fall down the moment someone you like touch you and realised how touch deprived you are, to break down if someone hugs you, or you put your head on their collarbone? Have you ever spent hours just imagining how it would be to just wake up next to them, hug them tighter and wrap yourselves better in the blankets because nothing warms you like them? Someone that makes you want to explore your interests back and supports you like you do for them? Someone that makes you unafraid of expressing your love even by moaning or tearing down when you make love to them, unafraid of going and your knees and wrapping their legs begging them to not leave, unafraid to ask them to sleep with you or let your sleep on top of them? Someone that desires you even if their unhealed brain is showing its bad side. I want it to be genuine, that they would run to hug me and ask me to cook cookies with them, genuine that my heart would stop if they lay their head on top of my chest and ask me to own them. I cannot do this with anyone I meet, I cannot let myself be like that easily and I have no problem being something else for someone that I do not feel like that for. I want it to be genuine that boredom together is more desired than fun alone, I want it to be genuine that my way of living is attractive for them, I want it to be genuine that we find all life romantic, genuine that we see the same vision without having to tell each about it, genuine that they are not scared of me or ashamed of anything. Genuine that they will do anything so that I am not scared of death or being forgotten anymore. Genuine enough that they would stand and call me out for being pathetic and that they know m better than whatever I am at that moment. Genuine enough that they cry if I haven't broken down in their arms in a while, that I didn't offer to shower them in a couple days, that I didn't do their hair, that I didn't satisfy their kink last night, that I haven't watched an episode with them or went for a walk with them. Genuine that they offer me their youth and beauty, enough to give up their old lifestyle or old bad habits to be with me, enough to reveal everything about their life, enough to not imagine anyone besides me, genuine enough that we cannot stop talking all day, genuine enough that being my partner at such a young age is not imprisonment or boring. Genuine enough that it withstands anything, genuine enough that my name feels like some sort of prayer that comes true all the time. Genuine enough, for me, to not want to die anymore. A love so hard that a woman is so in trust, that she is willing to give me her body and let me have the child I gave her while she still has few years of her youth, so hard that she entrusts me with everything, so hard that she knows how her words and body language can push me further. A genuine connection to my hobbies, words and craft that my identity doesn't fade from the minds. I truly want something genuine that makes me more than just a human with a body walking, whether as a doctor, a musician, a friend, a fuckbuddy or whatever, a teacher, a motivationalist, a trainer, a stylist etc...But most importantly, a genuine brother, lover and father...a guiding light that makes me want to make the most of my days while the desire to give up to the void is eating at me. . That's why, for me, for my nervous system and my own brain's functioning ,and spirit. I truly want something genuine with someone that wants me genuinely in the same way, no matter what is the way or form.