Anticipatory Grief: Why I refuse to participate in transience.
now : Distractions and futilities have ran out, there is nothing I do that satisfies me anymore. If it wasn't for my primitive midbrain guiding me through instinctive ends by dull means. The lack of epstimological meaning for life and the uncertainty of the end drives me insane daily. Well, there was a time when I was distracted. There was a time when the only thing in my mind is to defy death like many have did, it's the only flame that keeps someone going. However, when you are alone, when you realise that everything is just a memory and not a permanent state. People do not realise that you do not start anything or want to experience anything, because you want it to be permanent. A lot of people's view on it is to make the most out of it because in the end it will be a memory, but I cannot relive memories, only grieve them. I lived a life of grief and regrets, a life of abandonment and dissapointments...I refuse to enjoy a good time that I won't be enjoying whenever I like to. For many people this seems very short-sighted, perhaps I don't have the opportunity to always do the same thing, because my brain refuses to enjoy it. I want to live but my brain is afraid of mourning this life while I am still in it; avoiding the pain of giving up on something by not having it. I am not modest nor well-controlled, I know very well that people who do things that I claim to hate are incapable of understanding that I am closer to animal than human and more human than them at the same time; the lack of purpose of everything and its unavoidable end with the unsatiable hunger to pursue any means of fun or squenching a desire. People do not seem to imagine that the concept of not having emotions but creating them instantly because your brain recognizes that that's the feeling you should be having at that point, isn't logical. Others simply claim that it's what is supposed to happen. However, my actual reality is that I have long performed those emotions and reactions that I got used to it. To nail it perfectly, I am an empty shell yet I somehow feels emotions at a very intense amplitudes. Paradoxical that I feel nothing all day for most of my life, the only feeling I have is maybe boredom or botherdom. All of my past emotions? They are basically just my hormones. There is nothing new in this and it feels like I am a 12 years old coming to conclusions. God may it be true, but except some biological processes happening in my body the moment I think for a second, it shuts down instantly. It's the core of my problematic, the instant switch-off is what bothers me. It is at that instant that I doubt if anything I was feeling isn't real. I struggle to have anything making me genuinely happy, even my happiness is an illusion my brain orchestrates so it feels happiness. The only true thing I can confirm is that the few times I felt anything, it was horrible...a psychosis. It doesn't happen once in a blue moon, maybe once every 7 years or more. Despite the fear of the death, being the only constant feeling that is always running behind me, I've always desired to be asleep or to stop time. I am in equilibrium between the fear of death and the beauty of emptiness the desire of ceasing my existence has. This fear that was born in me at 3...is the only feeling that I have left. Yes I remember that I cried sometimes, but it felt forced. I wished that someone can understand this problem, I wish that my past lovers understood that in this internal conflict of wanting things to end and not wanting them to end, I am stretched thin by the fear or anxiety of this current thing ending and the horrible realisation that maybe I am not feeling anything. In the current understanding, it seems that I am oscillating between the fear of the end, and the end being the state that everlasts, hating that what I am living will end and the desire to end it to not feel the botherdom of it ending. How hypocritcal you might say, I have already stated that I also deep down hate things ending and becoming a memory, I wasn't born a pale colorless canvas but I hate giving up on things or them becoming boring. What makes this worse, is that I cannot give up on people too. I am torn between my fears and the desire to not hurt people. The situation is fine whenever I am not deeply invested. I enjoy the feelings that come and go, the company, but most importantly that I am finally experiencing something stronger than this fear of death...something even if I may not feel intensly or turn off, is making forget the anxiety of the hopelessness and meaningless life I am having. This pushes me to seek the same feeling in many people, wanting to find something that may tickle my brain a bit or someone worth staying for the company. I find my botherdom,annoyance and lack of interest in investing in something pointless to make me instantly lose interest in people or stop pursuing them. It's not my fault that someone isn't that interested in forming a connection that makes this life easier to fill, I leave them because I became very efficient in noticing patterns. My hobbies stopped being entertaining because they are pointless, same for anything I do. Sleep is the only thing I like doing for quite sometime, It stops my brain without ending it. It's peaceful, the peace I in truth crave to find in someone. This hopelessness,this fear of anything to end, made me leave many things. This combination of apathy and also the fear of impernance made me hard to deal with. I crave to find the thing that will stop me from being afraid of living and wasting this life, but when I am close to having it. Fear strikes me hard, I start feeling things and if I don't , I feel extreme guilt that someone may be attached to me and I don't love them. The dishonesty and guilt I feel whenever my brain refuses to simulate those feelings or strikes doubt in me that I may not actually found a feeling just a distraction and it feels that I am forced to do things for that person due to the connection established that no more gives me anything. This is not a problem of lack of committment or anything, and It's been years since I somehow figured out the phenomenon,especially why my emptiness or lack of reactions is dominant in those relationships. It's quite pathetic, that chasing someone never makes you stop feeling anything but the moment you have them you stop feeling anything. Well of course I am speaking of the time I was way younger than I am currently. It's just bad that my brain or I decide to shut down emotionally through something and I find myself unable to feel a thing afterwards, not because I don't want it to happen or I haven't dealt with it and found a way quickly to fix it. I just feel bad on the people that it happens to, because instead of being mature enough to ask or talk it out. Your suicidal ideation or this feeling of emptiness that is stripping away the life out of you, the fear of endings and grieving memories that makes you unable to live the moment is offensive to them.Oh my dear! It's this same reaction that you give me is what makes me hesitant in the first place of trying to find a connection with you. I understand that from the perspective of many I am hard to deal with. Yet, I don't see someone acting strangely and not ask what's going on...sure, I try to convince them that they need to talk, pushing myself to present possibilities of how they feel to let them feel a bit courageous to talk. God forbid that this fear, this emptiness, the apathy and emotional bluntness I feel becomes offensive to you, as if it's not killing me, as if it doesn't make me suffocate that I can't enjoy something, that I want reassurance or a hint of consistency. People think I am all words, but in a single day, I only have exactly few minutes where this depression fades a bit and I get ideas,desires and feel the need to move forward. I don't doubt my love for anyone any longer, I understood, just like my feelings that suddenly shut off or are barely a simulation of my brain because I am supposed to be at a certain emotion after certain happenings, that I do love them on a rational and objective plane. It's the "feeling the love" that my brain suddenly removes from me, whether out of fear or boredom. I am not pretending that I am emotionless. This whole entry is about how much I hate how my brain forces me to feel nothing at times because it feels it's pointless or that I quickly realise that I do not feel anything and I am barely acting. I am not angry, I feel offended that I am wronged. I am not sad, I am dissapointed . I am not happy, I am not annoyed or bored. But am I in love? I think when I am in love is the only time my emotions reach a frequency that my brain can shut off or realise they are just a social reaction. This is a bit nonsensical, but when I realise how quickly I move on, how quickly I stop doing things, how quickly I stop a reaction or leave a state instantly because I simply affirm that it's not real. In another way of reading things, I simply do not feel a lot of things because I feel it's pointless since all ends in death. Only boredom and annoyance are the most strongest states that I experience, I can't keep doing the same things because I quickly become numb to them. Do I feel regret? It eats me daily, which is funny. How can I regret if everything is pointless? Ask the other half of me that was born out of all of this. I always switch states, for me, it became a normal occurance. My relationships with people that do not contact me 24/7 go well because I simply mask for the time needed to perform the social interaction that I only partake in for the sake of nothing more but avoiding the annoyance that will happen if I do not get what I need from that interaction. Sleeping makes me feel worriless, no need to contact anyone that I do not want, no need to do anything that is boring you. It feels like I want to lay down all day either to sleep or watch something to make my head silent. Yet, death is horrifying...It's not like sleeping, I know that sleep is like the suicide stripped of its committment. There is a bit of sweetness in sleep, or doing nothing meaningful without letting your brain work. No I am not going to deny that certain things may give my brain some positive ideas or actually change its chemistry for the better; yes feel better, unfortunately this brain is able to instantly either nullify this feeling or the importance of the action I did to feel that way. It's not a peaceful life, because I am walking like a shallow, no, a hollow empty piece of oxygen wasting being that refuses to have memories or pursue anything...because I don't want to grieve anything. I can't do anything that my brain likes or want to do to translate some of my feelings that I happened to experience or the flavours of my soul without shutting down instantly and refusing to do so...because it's annoying, because I am not good instantly, because mistakes annoy me or the process is boring. But I don't always feel this way, which is why it is tormenting. Sometimes it's beneficial and intentional; the emotional shut down happens by my will to avoid annoyance or hurt. Most of time? it happens on its own, it's always death, it's always the pointless or the lack of real reason for why I should so something. For love it wasn't the pointless core of it that doesn't work, it's the fact that I will be grieving when it ends, it's the emptiness that suddenly occurs and makes me unable to talk. Low on behold, this feeling of emptiness that makes me seek a real connection that stops my fear of death and gives me the sensation of peace and real happiness makes me hard to deal with and, instead of finding in the other person what I am looking for, the reassurance and the consistency, I am most of the time met with more work. My chest is heavy and I want to sleep at that instant, sometimes just to sleep and want this to pass but I find myself supposed to now deal with the emotional needs of someone that at point became a chore. It's suffocating when this happens and the person you are talking with is demanding over text. It suffocates me because I feel guilty and I try to reply or ask for a bit of space but I am met with resistance or annoyance and it escalates with danger of repture. I know that the relationship is important but this state is affecting me even physically, after what happened last year made me really affected by this state of the void, the fear, the doubt, the emptiness and apathy. When I feel it I wish to stop it all and close my eyes, it makes people think I am hard but I need to leave the state but the physical effects have already happened. It only makes things worse when it happens because I am forced to show up or pretend I am good, or I try to pretend its not there which causes me problems, sure, with anyone else I can just isolate. However with them I really need them but I wish I could just find the person I can trust enough with those feelings. Someone that even if this whole perplexing state of emotionless or intensity of feelings that I am between knows how I am feeling and its not intentional, that I am there to be better, that I will be there for them no matter how I feel and someone who doesn't trigger this hopelessness in me or creates the fear of endings in me. So in short, I am emotionless most of the time, if I feel anything I can easily stop it as if it's some sort of fake reaction my brain creates because it's the correct or expected thing to show. I am bound by my high morals, I can't simply always be irritated and ignore people which made me so tired. I tried when I was younger to fill the void but I realised quickly that it can be filled with only one thing or two. The intensity of my feelings only are in the boundaries of my isolation or while with the someone I loved despite my brain being always silent or filled or disturbed. I am sensitive, a lot, and it is funny how I am almost emotionless and empty. As if I stopped feeling to stop feeling, to stop grieving, to stop worrying. It's sad that I won't be able to find someone that realises how this lack of a purpose, of a meaning, of a reason to continute, that maybe my lack of trust or fear of the end is what makes me go cold at least through text because my brain isn't stimulated, it's hard to explain to people that you don't want to hurt that you are noticing things about them that you don't like and make you doubt them or not trust them or that sometimes your brain has this weird realization that maybe I am not in love or feel in love but something else and now my whole body refuses to act that way with them. Will they respect me when I feel that way and ask to be left alone? Will they propose to be more intimate or closer ? Will they let stop pretending that I am not this sensitive black shell? Will they realise the pain and fear I am constantly in? No...just a very weird crazy person with anger issues and a very moody demeanor, not someone that is always afraid of death, of things to end, of feeling empty, someone whose brain is always between apathy or boredom, quickly to irritate or go cold, someone who needs to be held at any moment to forget it all, someone that stops being happy quickly becomes his brain is swift to realise that it's not truly happy, someone that is not ready to start something that will end, someone just tired and wants to love someone too much it destroys him. It took my life away from me, I couldn't enjoy anything, now I can't savour many things...except a company, a company I craved too hard with someone for years. It happened that this year I decided to give my final chance and it ended in a horrible painful cycle of pushing and pulling that I finally realised most of my truth and it became clear and physical. How long would I wait till they come back? Till I finally feel that I can do those things that I want to do, that I do not have to escape to my sleep...I can only sit and wait, for I have given up on looking for them. The irony...Few hours after writing this, I discover what I have always feard about the last person I wanted to seek to help me out. I thought I found my person, only for them to be an object of entertainment for others who sought in my withering being a little redicule and fun time, when my health worsened and my hope dimmed, my entertainment for them dwindeled and they now bear the need to mend to my wounds. Little did I know that my wounds are rotten and disgust people. However, I thought I am dean of more respect and familiarity to be treated with such ways, to be given the ultimate final message...that the only one I loved more than my entire being and gave me hope, is currently "busy". I do not regret it, it's the payback I deserve. I am not pure not innocent, I try to decorate my lack of seriousness and stability with these feelings...I left many and went silent many times, I deserved this harsh outcome. Although, in another twist of events, even such calamity would claim the soul out of many...My soul was already lost, my brain have expected this months ago and my body learnt to tolerate this violent state of agitated depression. Truly, I should be left alone. The rift between what I want and what I feel constantly will only consume me and no one else anymore. I won't let animilasitic urges or psychological needs blind me to enter a contract of emotional exchange that I cannot continue. Not because of lack of loyalty, but of fear, yet I never had experienced a companionship that is safe and secure. A fitting tormenting cycle for someone with a turbelent brain, until they see the patterns and the viscious fire that consumes them, they need to go over this never ending loop of shallowness and insanity, their brain should never rest or feel safe, they should always question themselves and doubt others. Is this one person the reason all of this is written? Pathetic to assume such an articulate mind would be the result of a human being that lacks depth or empathy and is securing an existance through the need of lower intelligence beings demanding the use of their flesh. It's the shortcut that I took in narration that didn't mention that I was soft about it when I was hurt the most in my younger years then tough and harsh about it when I should have been softer. It is not my problematic, it is a part of this rant in which I admit this pessimistic promise to be enslaved by someone I,everyday, saw bad in them and expected every single mental form of abuse has shown me the truth of my spinless reality. Oh how I crave to be crushed and defeated yet hate it, I am really a masochist, in work, in life, in feelings that I accepted pain with patience but not the boredom and peace with patience. Let there be no rest for the wicked, but I am no fool and I know that for this are only two ends. Absolute solitude, or breaking from the cycle by filling the void and accepting that this brain will always be like that and I shouldn't doubt that the sun dissapears when a cloud passes by. For now, I should rest. I should thank God, although with all my heart, I didn't wish that someone who said all those words that were never said to me and treated me that way will be the final nail in the coffin. But I digress, deep down I knew there wouldn't be peace with them, even if I scorched the land, even if my brain and body were in immense pain that my internal battle at the sign of the ultimate betrayal unleashed itself, the end is nigh and my soul was flickering. I do not blame anyone who leaves me anymore, but I blame the wounds that I couldn't comprehend and the lack of acceptance. The poison of vengeance and resentment ate at my heart and washed off my brain till I slowly became like this. Hatred I bore for no reason, this hatred and resentment should be towards me. The void grew alongside this anger, the angrier I got the less I enjoyed things (which were few). It grew tiil it ate all my desires and aspirations. Pity the days that I have concluded that my existence is meant to make others reach happiness because I cannot taste it. I have no regrets, my other half admits that we are purely evil trying to mask behind virtue while I claim that rots claims, just like Milodas', whatever my hands touch. They didn't lie, I didn't fly to broken souls to heal them. I flew to them because I was attracted to them. There was no other way for me to understand, only with pain. I am most happy that the people I came in contact with were mostly the ones to harm me, if they didn't...I was the one to leave first. In my search for meaning and happiness, I tied it in people. My wounds are the only thing that made me connect to them, however I swore to be honest, there is a lust that factors in and a narcissistic desire to demand more that have always blinded me from making the real logical choices that I have always took pride in. I was lazy and lost a lot of opportunities because I was defeated before the battle was announced. I am dead before dying, it feels like my brain was so afraid that it decided the best way is to become familiar with it. It's not a fate that I am so against, a Kafkaesque doesn't have to be pretty, a Poe's doesn't have to be warm and a scorpion can never be trusted, can never be loving and can never heal...it only poisons. From here on out, let my poison be my own damnation.