Please, live the life you want.
There is enough pressure to live a life that people deem normal or "interesting". There is enough pressure to not be a "nerd". Please refrain from calling hot people with glasses "nerds" or those who do well in academics...well enough that is. I affirm that eye conditions do not qualify someone to be a nerd, nor your lack of academic success compared to them. It just happens that most nerds wear glasses. Either way, this is not the topic but the preface. I am alluding to the "cringe" that we suppress. For girls and boys, puberty and hierarchical environments that reward nothing but sexual drive and retarded views on "Netflix and social media" is the most destructive of all. I cling to the idea, that good girls develop way better personalities then guys because they were seen as nothing but an entity that is lusted for. While for guys, I believe that friendships that are not based on no actual intellectual base or the fear of being bullied for being a nerd is what kills them almost their entire life. When people who are whores, empty, delusional, indisciplined, ugly and evil are the ones that catch the attraction in a toxic environment that is amplified by hormones such as middle school. Scars form that do not heal, ever. In the spirit of honesty and introspection, each year going on forward from the hellish year of 7th grade. More and more women started liking me, but I am insecure to death that I cannot think about them but the toxic, empty and materialistic bunch that do not look at me with a shed of respect. It's a bit pathetic, knowing that I do not respect those people yet I crave their validation. Truth is, each got problems and events outside of our eyesight, so the chance any circumstances worsen or attenuate a condition is always present. Seeking validation or any form of toxicity / trauma is a pattern that sticks from those chaotic days. I cannot blame everyone's parents, those that didn't control their daughters and sons (holy fuck, the girls got hormones and need to do whatever they do and they are evil in nature or whatever, but jeez, those guys are way shittier, soft and BLAND- I could not stand and I still cannot stand most males. Steel sharpen steel and decay spreads to all, fuck whatever someone may think, high-standards in same-sex friendships is a must.) and those that didn't protect or even went forward by complexing their kids. Will that mother apologize for her son for turning him into a beggar then to a silent wall? Will that father apologize for his son for making him always feel alienated or restrained? Will those parents apologize for being strict on their daughter that she rebelled in a wrong way now all that she has is emptiness and a materialistic outlook on life? Will the mother that shuts her son down all the time realise the pain she put her son and other people's daughters when her son goes silent because he felt misunderstood? Will the father that prohibited that you do anything and forced other things on you while making u feel the blame for not being enough apologize to his son when he ruins a relationship with someone genuine because everytime he is afraid of bringing up the topic to him and ask for permission he decides to lie to his partner and get into a frantic overexplanation that leads to him being frustrated at their partner instead, you complexed your kid by not demanding and pursuing things and his twisted image of himself drove someone insane. Will any parent apologize to the people that had to deal with us? Will any parent apologize to their kids? Will some parents feel the guilt of the monsters they created? Then, will those same people that hurt us, minimized us, bullied us, mocked us, influenced us, played us, ever apologize? No they do not, they see you after years and still make fun of you. Will anyone apologize for stealing your teens from you? Will you be able to get the memories that you didn't live, even if it's not your fault but your responsibility? You stopped asking for validation, you stopped pretending, you finally stopped being associated with people that you do not like. You are 20, soon 21...You didn't play the sport you liked, played music, got a real relationship, allowed to go out on dates, spend money on people, even hang out with people for a bit, clubs were a no, improving your looks or fashion was a no, getting a better computer was a no, you lost your academic interest because there is nothing for you except that or bedrotting on a computer/phone. Your childhood was summarized by being an alien, a mistake, a weirdo. You knew more history at 11 than someone in their 20's, you got into that g*** and p****, you tried to get into a rs, one or two or multiple and all failed for a multitude of reasons. You played a shit ton of videogames, you watched many animes/cartoons/youtube videos. You stopped reading books because you were coherced to it, you stopped studying because it was forced on you and no fun was allowed now you cannot focus. You were abused by whoever came in front of you, used, broken and thrown away. You strip yourself from your true self, you do not put shells or recolor yourself. You simply lose those details about you so you can fit between the people that you want to belong in, the ones that are liked and desired. Here you are now, 20, lost, depressed, multiple conditions, no desire and still craving something. A savior complex or a god complex, may be the only thing that makes u want to live, maybe a death worth it, maybe a "canon event" that changes it all. Reflecting to your messy life, admitting that whatever happened happened, and burning all those wounds and scars so that is left if proof of survival. Looking back and realising how much you missed in life, looking back and realising how many loved you, looking back and realising you were so interesting for many, looking back and realising that some found you attractive, looking back and realising that you made horrible mistakes and others did horrible things to you, looking back and realising the amount of missed opportunities, looking back and realising how much of your personality and interests were lost and looking back to realise that you remember no experience or feel anything towards nothing due to all that happened. Now everyone got their aesthetic, they go out, they excel academically, they travel, they party, they hook up, they overspend on clothes and cosmetics, they post themselves, they live their lives, while you rot in your room. Some of us, crawl back slowly, some decide to drown deeper. Nevertheless, the truth is, none of us, hurt or the one doing the harm for most of the time, are actually living our lives. We are not pursuing our real happiness, we are all trying to abide to norms, we are all shackled by trauma, the past, the fear and insecurity. It is pathetic when every guy is the same, but if you are closed and into simple intellectual endeavours you are a weird nerd, if you are into poetry, literrature, romance and meaning in everything, girls will call you a poser and a fake for attention. Isn't it funny? That being a normal bland male is the true performative act. Everytime a trend or something pleases a good majority of females, these npcs will follow. Some of them didn't even have the right to have a personality. It's just a shell, same clothing style, same interests, same music, same life purpose... I am not asking you to dress a certain way, I am asking you to dress to convey a certain idea. I am not asking you to not like football, I am asking you to genuinely like football not have an empty attachement to it. I am not asking you to stop listening to rap or hiphop, I am asking you to explore new things. I am not asking you to become a bookworm, I am asking you to read for your well-being and developing yourself. I am not telling you to not be interested in things so others have an interest in you, the basis of all human actions is survival and being validated is part of that. I am simply telling you, to think for yourself. What I like about many girls I have met, is that they read. I met whores that read and guys that do not go out and are respectful, clean and all that do not. I have met girls that do not dress for attention to their curves and skin, but to the sense of fashion and intentionality they put. I have met girls with depth, humour and interests far more than I have met guys like that. What is miserable, is that we do not know sometimes what we want. Sure, dating a new guy/girl every 2 months may fill you. Sure, exploring every bar,cafe,restaurent,lounge and hotel is filling. Sure, spending your money at expensive bland dresses-clothes is filling even if they do not look different. Sure, talking to many people or hooking up with them is filling. Sure, posting yourself for attention is filling. Sure, having a revenge complex because someone hurt you years ago is filling. Sure, doing all of those in the same time may be filling. Is it really what we are choosing to give our best years...I mean what's left from them? Is boys/girls and "money" are only concerns? Don't you have a desire for a heroic death? Don't you have a messiah in you to spend your life guiding people to their best selves? Don't you want to be the man that you needed when you were young? Don't you want to have lore for yourself? Don't you want to be interesting and talented? Don't you want to wake up because you love someone? Don't you miss the hobbies and interests you were in when you were a kid? Don't you have a reason to be alive? Don't you want to face life and experience it? Are you afraid? Are you not stimulated? You are still young, there is still a bit of time. Claim it, claim back your life, claim back your aura, stop being held back by what you did, what they did and what could have been done. I beg of you, to not try to remove the shackles, but to fly with them. Create, create, create. Have a story to tell, we will all sit in cafe to talk, we will dress a certain way, we will do all of these nonsensical cheap things to destress. But claim your hobbies, do not be afraid, go and meet your people. Nerd or not, hot or not, boring or not...Go and find your people, go and start learning that language, go and dance, go and record those videos, go and start writing, go and try to find your person, go and buy those pieces of clothing, go and take those pictures, go and make that music, go and hike with your friends. No one will give you back that time, no one will make good looking, no one will make you successful, no one will make you happy...if you do not try. So try, try to be who you think you are. Stop limiting and erasing yourself just to not feel lonely. Do not wait for someone that looks like you to start expressing and discovering yourself, start becoming that person and you will attract your match. Go live your life, even if I seem to judge you, I still insist that you live the life you want whether we agree or not. If your happiness isn't with me or in what I find filling it is okay. The only limitation is to not steal the happiness of another to get yours. There is no regret in trying to do the things that you couldn't do weird kid, there is no fear in growing your hair, no fear in applying make up, no fear in running away from home, no fear to ask for money or the car or whatever, no fear to ask to be let out to meet someone, no fear to ask for that keyboard or instrument, no fear to enter that new gym, no fear to climb that mountain, no fear in going to that camp, no fear in writing nonsense, no fear in asking them out, no fear to dress weirdly, no fear to learn to dance in your room, no fear to post those cringe pictures or videos, no need to look like a stupid NPC tiktok video, no fear in posting that picture even if you look bad. In the most shortest form of communication, stop distracting yourself, stop looking for cheap dopamine, go and be happy and be the special you, what happened to you is what made you. Don't feel cringe for being a romantic lover, a weirdo with niche interests, dancing in a certain way, dressing in a certain way, posting things that nobody absolutely cares about. Girls are more than what's between their necks and bellies or what is under their back, they are more than a container of sexual urges that do not matter. Boys are more than simple creatures with no feelings or interests that only think with their dicks, that cannot do things because they are not supposed to, they are not slaves or servants. People are not a punching back or just a body for you, people are not just tools or pictures you crave alone, people are not just there to fill the void in you and whenever you feel bored you rotate. Go and find yourself so you can find your people. Go find what makes you happy and you will find who will complete your life. Have depth, have meaning, romanticize everything, the suffering and the joy. You are your own prisoner. Do not be afraid to have emotions, do not be afraid to tell the truth or be truthful to yourself.