I need to stop performing and waiting for you.
My cries fall upon uninterested ears. My hopes want to penetrate a heart that doesn't want me. My life is shackled to a soul so wicked and evil but unable to see its darkness. I wish I could stop, I wish I could tell my brain there is someone. No one is there, it's a lie. There are conditions to be met, I need to find someone else for me. I need to because all of this heart cannot live in the rot inside of me. I need to, because I still want to live. I want to stop waiting because I knew from the start what kind of person they were, and after they ruined me due to whatever rumours, after ruining me again because the mental health they destroyed is too much to handle, the changing lies that trigger me is too much pressure, their hidden truths and conflicting stories that make me feel not safe, their sudden change of behaviour, their mocking, picking up on my insecurities, the way they always choose others over me...yeah, I am crazy. But you are .....? Is it even worth it? After all that has happened, convince yourself as much as you can, you are not innocent. This all means nothing, they will never read this . Am I lying when I say they ruined me? Pretty much yes, I amplified the feelings and overtrusted. Did I trust them since the first time we texted on discord? I never did...but I wanted, I trusted her when she looked the most alarming as a redflag and I couldn't when she pretended to "change?" . The way she deals with me just proves it enough, or, rather, it confuses me enough. Yet again, people who give things are not giving emotion. Whatever happened, whatever you are, you shouldn't have said that. I forgave everything because I gave a promise and I was afraid of your hurt. You think that I am crazy, telling everyone how disturbing I am, bipolar or crazy, whatever the way you say it. Would you tell anyone the emotional abuse you made me go through for a year? Would you tell them how I stay normal after you give me multiple heart shattering words, comparisons, stories or ignore me but when I get drained I become very bad and annoying. Have you ever considered once, that unlike you that go from guy to guy because I am heartless or feel nothing, I feel nothing but I wanted it to be you so much that I refused to see that there is anyone else and tried my best only to feel like manipulated, used, made fun of, toyed with? You wouldn't even stay if I did 1/100 of what you did, you say words mean nothing when it comes to mine...ig your words too mean nothing. Unlike you, I only want to remember the good but I have to remember the bad. You remember the bad only and refuse to look at the good, you refuse to acknowledge what you did. You pretend to be mature, you could have said from the start that you didn't feel a spark, that I wasn't attractive enough. Deny it as much as you can, you were quick to let other guys touch you that way when we knew each other. I don't want to hear your name ever again, you think I am immature but I tried everything. I told you directly, you became cold and ghosted me. I delivered them through jokes, I begged you to listen and let me explain with kindness, reposted, put songs. How can you be so cruel on someone that wants to end their life, that feels immense pain, I tell you to please let me be alone at those small moments where my body falls under the darkness of my brain and the hopelessness of my heart but you insist and make me feel irritated....Irritated, because I never got to reveal to you what I want due to you never being clear and honest...You pretend to know me, I wish you knew how much I loved you but what you did to me made me unable to tell you even one tenth of the feelings that I have. You never knew, that I am only angry because I don't want to look sad or cry in front of you. How pathetic, when I look back at it, and see all of your words. How did my brain look at you, and decide "this is the only woman that I do not want to even imagine kissing but will imagine myself crying hysterically between her arms while I put my head on her chest begging her to not leave me till i fall on my knees and wrap my arms around hers while she consoles me, yes, this is the woman that each millimeter of her skin makes me want to live, kissing her shoulder, spine, feet or even whatever is a daily duty, her hair, her showers, her everything is mine to take care of, yes this one that doesn't give a damn, always out, always revealing herself, the one with very shady details about her life, the one that has many behind her, the one doesn't the truth." It is sickening to read this, imagine how I feel when someone sees her shoulder or her neck, let alone when she reveals anything else. Whether adoration or lust, the fact that someone else lies eyes on her is enough to boil my blood. A shoulder? Even her hand is enough to trigger me. It feels so unjust that someone sees her and I couldn't...how does this sound acceptable for someone like her who couldn't understand the basic concept of jealousy or comparison. Does she even know the sins she committed when my life became her? It was my mistake for liking someone like her, my jealousy is tremendous and she never felt it. My heart is ripped day by day, the people who get to open and see her pictures, the people she meets,dated,made up with or even had sex with...the "friends", the "accidents", everyone including her female friends. The only thing I cared about is seeing her, I looked so angry and short-tempered on the screen but behind it I was losing control over my eyes because I was waiting so bad. I am always calculated, yet I lost all rationality when I didn't get a reply or an update. You think I am becoming hard to deal with, but you were becoming colder and weirdly moving with me. You think I am unstable, but I noticed how you stopped calling me by my nicknames, sending me that emoji, joking and spamming me with pics. I miss you and I hate to admit it, but I shouldn't miss someone like you. Not after that, I hate you. Even if I hate you without measure, I feel like I still love you more than that. Why did you have to do that? Why did you have to be with those people? Why did they ruin you and make you like that? Why couldn't you just be direct with me? Why didn't you understand when I insisted on you telling me exactly when are we meeting because I felt bad that I am not taking much care of my hair like you do to yours and I am trying to look a bit presentable for you? Why didn't you understand that I was scared of dates and not being the thing I should be? Why didn't you understand how hard was it for me to wait a single day? Why was it hard for you to understand that anything makes me jealous because I cannot handle the emotional pain of knowing that people see you, talk to you and even HAVE FUN talking to you or admiring your beauty? Do you know how much strength it takes to see you talk about them in that manner, to see the way you SHOW me how you talk to them, how you are gentle with them, but when it is me? Oh baby you give me almost 2 heart attacks daily and countless anxiety attacks... You never thought that I wanted to get ahead of you in the lessons so I can answer you correctly, you never thought that I get mad not because of criticism, but because I didn't perform the way you wanted or you deserved. I never wanted you to see me lesser, but that's all I felt from day 1. Enough, my memories for you are written in my brain with a nail, engraved but you couldn't even memorise my phone number. There was nothing about this but a trauma bond...I was happy for a moment in my life and I saw every way you manipulated me and lied to me, taking me for a fool, but I really didn't want to leave and I really couldn't give up on my promise to myself. To think of the times that I never wished for anything to myself or that I never prayed to God except for you for months, that I wept and said to accept anything you did before just for you to return. It is unbelievable, but I think God had made me pay for all that I have done before by "bonding" with you. You don't deserve that word...you are just a ... I wouldn't say it. It is enough that only you spew anger, spite, disgust and foul words. You don't deserve memorization, a legacy, a name, a place, an effect or even recognition...I will treat you the way you did to me and forget you. I am not an unhealed liar like you who has fun by doing such things or pretending to be a victim or wanting compliments than pretend to be a "good innocent girl" then do those "things". I never would have judged your sexual behaviour or the way you cope with life, I only judged the lies and lack of honesty and clarity you give. I only judged you for the pain you caused me when you made me believe you are innocent soul that was hurt by the rumours your friends have said. You think that a lie sugarcoated spared you the problems, it only made things worse. You think that when I asked you to answer something I was completely clueless while in reality the case was built and it is not in a good state for you and only an honest compatible answer can calm me down. Do you think that telling me things or doing things differently than what you used to do, things that made me go through hell and then pretend it'sokay? Your stories are full of missing details, lack of logic, and contradictory but you expect me to feel right or trust you? If you lie to me once without a good reason and I do not get a confession that you lied about that thing before, everything could be a lie. So anything you said to me fell on me like a lie, you never were there to see how I was shaking when your mood changes. Unlike you, my mood changes when I am hurt and I do not want to sound like a burden, when your mood shifts...you become this thing that I always knew that was your truth. You don't imagine that someone is out there having an attack because of your childish offensive and hurtful words that you do not apologize or warn about it. I warn you when my heart gets weak or I feel that I am suffocated or about to...and that talking to me is not going to be pleasent because my body is trying its best not to crumble yet I try to talk to you because I can't leave you and I don't want to leave you but you make me feel worse knowing that this is the state that you caused and now you feel bad that I am like that only to get more angry at me because I am this way even tho I am trying as much as I can to handle it but who cares if I want to die that moment? Why would I claim any of the feelings that I had for you, you are not worth it, words mean nothing but not all words are worthless, words mean nothing but certain words are truth, words are meaningless when they came out of you, words are meaningless because you know you can lie as much as you can with no guilt, words are meaningless because you never felt dumb trying to love someone, words are meaningless but you never seen how much your words affected me. I only feel regret for the next, but then again, I would not be hypervigilant or suspecting of them, I should have never tried being considerate and ignored the huge amount of red flags just because I felt you were soft. I never knew you, I don't have to deny it, but I know what you were lying and hiding. I don't feel the need to explain why it may be in the end not love, why all of that happened, if I ask you to please stop or just apologize after doing something or reassurance so my mind can delete it and you don't...why should I care if you exist? Maybe I loved you for your body the way you liked having fun playing with me and I enjoyed making you believe I lost all my thinking capabilities over you? Who knows, you are not dead to me because the dead are missed, loved and grieved... I only grieve the time I lost and the feelings I had for an image that I created for something. Oh but I can't lie , I swore that I won't lie...everyday I hope that you said that out of anger to break me again; I never wanted to see you that way, have you ever considered anything about me that you dare say such things. I should kill that hope in me because there is no way that's fake. What's broken will always be broken no matter what, what you are will always be you, that's your truth and I am sad that me being patient with you despite everything, from your point of view, was instability rather than someone who is being torn apart by the decision to leave and the desire to stay no matter what for you.