teebt w hedhi ekher mara nheb nahki alik khatrk ktaltni ki aarft li enti loula
I will not assume when writing this eli enti lensen li ken fi mokhi awl maritek, I will not assume any of the things that you showed me. I will pretend that I never seen any redflags or any indication of the kind of girl you truly are just to spill out the feelings that I had in the delusion I created just because I liked you and I didn't want to move on . Do not read any of this ever if you know what I am talking about, and if someone ever was in your life or came in it when we stopped talking - all of this is useless for u to read. After all it's just disorganized thoughts and whatever comes up I write it down. It's really more like m typing to clear myself up because I know you never paid enough attention or you did sometimes. ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************Ekher mara bech nejbdk, ekher mara bech nhinti alik, ekher mara bch nkhali rouhi nkhamem fik, ekher mara bch nwajahlek haja raghm li ena naarf kad mahawlt nkolek, nwarik, neelmk, hatitlk quotes, ghneyet, reposts, letters etc famech matefhem mafemch mean mtaa communication direct wala indirect staamltha ken eni nkolek purely w directly ama saret mara w ndemt ki tkallamt. I begged you bch tfaserli, kol mara naawd nkolek bellehi alik jewebni tkhalinich akeka. Majech lmokhek mara li ena manjmtch nensa chay w aladheka ena kima tra feya. Beli sar feya fi hyeti meli touledt, lkol taada w najamtou ken li amaltou enti feya. Khatrk taarf chnya fama men dkhl w staamlt kol chay ena habitek taarfou w khalitk taarfou khatrek loula. Mech loula bech nfarghelha 9albi men fouk l fouk. Khatrek loula li wselt nheb nebki ala khaterha, wel akhyeb men hedha nheb nebki fi hodhnek enti khater malkit had yasmaani. Shih fi jrayrek walet laabed tasmaa feya, oomri mahabit had yasmaani. Mahabit chay fi denya w kraht kol chay men soghri ken ki laabed taamel aleya. All I wanted is to be known, useful and relied upon. Shih I was vulnerable fi hyeti lkol marrat, ama lkorh li feya men dekhel khalanich ntawel maa had wala ykhali had yettawel aleya ycr. Mahich ego b maana li ena fouk el ness lkol, ego b maana manheb had yhasesni li ena ne9es wala manich aabd kifi kifou. Oomri maritek tool, w kifeh tetjare' tkoul ala rouhek waaleya akeka...Alf mara taawdha, dima taawdha w toktlni ki toghlet fi hakki. Shih I lose control w I say nonsense saat when I get flustered wala ki nfadlk maa aabd. Aslan nansa kifeh najem nflirti wala nreassurik. Kifeh tkoul ala rouhek "manich tool aandek for ur happiness" wakteli ena nheb naatik li aandi lkol bch nkoun maak khtr woujoudek houwa li ena nheb aalih. Yomken khater awel wahda kent kind maaya yekhi fhemtk bel ghalet...Ken je byedi rana mahkinich fi 2025 jemla, sure... I liked your hair w I found you cute mellowwel belkol. Ama maadch bch nekdheb alik wala nhawel nkhabi alik, I was disgusted from the way you speak. I knew instantly what kind of girl you were, w wakteli hassit fik "haja dra kifeh", trollitek khtr waktha mzl aandi barcha ho9d ala laabed li kifek w kifeh aamlouni hyeti lkol. Ama hata akeka waktha I thought that you might be pretty raghm kadeh men redflag w aaraft mlih eli zeyed nahki maak waktha. Aaksek enti ena bch naatik dates w wakteh hassit bkol haja bch mankounch nmanipuli fik. Hedha zone august - september. Mbaad ritek maa LY w seeltha alik. Bch najamt baad modda netchajaa w nkalmk khtr lhak- wejhek wel vibe li taatih mel insta w kifeh tahki w tokhzr...mahouch mtaa khir manhbch nodkhel fel details raghm eli ena dima nhwl nkoul alik klem mch behi (fi mokhi w wahdi bch najem netjewz) ela ennou nalka rouhi aghleb lwakt netfaker hajet okhra saret w dima nalka kifeh nbarer eli enti makch haka wakteli warning signs aabit menhom chkayer. Honestly you had few physical qualities I was into w you were fashionable and mean. Kont jebda rouhek fel fac w it was both a bad and a good sign ama sthakkit nefhem bdhabt lweh. Saat nrak bzhar fi awkat khayba w iini tih fi iinek, netfaker mara makontch mrakez ycr maak mbaad i noticed you were wearing a blue top wala adheka mtaa dragon. Your body language shifted w tnrvzt alkhr waktha, nsit ken aawdna hkina wala le, hassitk massit mel karama mteii khtr that look wasn't intentional at first until I realised it's the first time I saw you wearing that to uni w mbaad keli khzartli dra kifeh w sakart ydik wala haja. It vexxed me eli enti you thought I am weak enough to look at any random's belly button wala tummy ala eses it is something worth paying attention to since every human can does have a belly zid maaini bch nokhzr lhad dra kifeh bch nhasesou bdra chnya. Mayhmnich (unless m judgind or surprised ki aabd badel el pattern mtaa clothing mteou). Yomkn zone nov deja blokitni martin w rit aka bio mteek w keli takkadt fi mokhi li enti ensena...khayba mellekher w zeyed nkadrek khater el image li naarfha ala laabed li kifek w fi jaw mteek mayetkarbouch unless tkoun menhom w tetaamel kifhom w tiich kifhom wena sabri bde youfa khtr nlwj ala aabd yemlili w nmli maah hyeti w ykoun bjanbi bch naamlou barcha hajet khtrni I didn't get to experience many thing....ken nkolek li awel kahwa rass rass maa aabd amaltha wktli krib nousel lel 21 maa tfol ken sahbi takrib 9 snin. Ena hyeti lkol manajmt nhess bchay ken bel 9ahr wel fadda wel faragh wel korh li nhessou lel aabed kifeh yaamlou feya meli ena zghir w aham haja lghira, kont ha9ed aal ness lkol khtr lkolhom jarbou wena jarrabt chay. Makontch nwali shab maa louled khtr chtarhom hayawenet w siib talka tfol yosleh w mthakef w tkhamemou fi hajet kifkif w aandkom nafs interests, lbeki jboura superficials w ylwjou ken aal attention . Fi hedha lkol mch mara fi hyeti tdhalit, mch fel lycee w mch fl clg w mch ken fl makteb. Li kalouh shabek mahouch ghalet ama zeda hazzen w nafdhan, maken aandi feelings lhad, w mademni manich bch nekdheb alik. Khsert shabi lkol baad lycee weli kenou yakraw maaya lkol aamlin maaya ghosting irl, ken lzmni naarf aabed...khtr baad li taada beya lkol manajmch nokeed wahdi. I can't...khaterni nrwh li dar nched biti kel kalb. Maandi chay mechi fi hyeti, lani tfol mezyen w twil, la aandi music, la art, manich athletic, maandich outgoing friends, manhmlch barcha lhess, ki nmchi lblasa najemch netharek w nhess ness lkol tokhzrli wala tetmanyek aleya. Manajmtch netkhataha lahkeya hata ken wallit naarf eli win nmchi fama aabed tji tahki maaya w kadeh men mara whd ykoul aleya haja behya. Ena manajmtch nabra, dima nhess fi rouhi chabah aabed ekher w eecht hyeti lkol akeka. Lesek lchkoun nmchi maah, ki jit lhal fac lkalba li ya litni majithech. Lkit rouhi wahdi, maa aabed belhak lkolha tekel fl gort ken mechi fibeli melowl. Wakteli kont nadhhek ala jmeet ezzahra w rades w manouba ala eses tounes lokhra (as a joke yaani) nalka rouhi maa barcha aabed men barcha blayes khalet menha aabed w m sure of their character. I was observant of everyone, I knew the partying and going out people ,the npcs,the whores, the attention seekers, the nerds, the retards and whoever is going to waste my time. I needed connections and friends, khater naarf li I belong to no one w no one belongs to me. Najamch naaml ala aabd whd barka, tlazzit ennou nekhdm ala hajtin, eni nhwl naarf laabed bi ma fih lkifeya bch naarf nfasakhhom men mokhi, nkarrabhom, nkhalehom fi distance tkhalini najem notlb menhom favours wala nkarrabhom bch najem nahki maahom fl fac bch manhsch rouhi (hors flkhr dima nafs lahkeya lin jit enti w "damartli" hyeti) lonely. Bech mandakhlhech baadhha fi mokhi, I was eager lhak bech eni naaml haja hchemt bch nkoulha l ensen kifek. After all you are an attractive girl, such problems do not exist for you and you gladly have shown me how easy it is for you. I wanted to have a shot at teen love (kbal manwli 20). Shih kotlk ken aandi "ex". In fact ken kol "ex" tethseb rahou aandi 4 max...Welkolhom forced aleya ken wahda dhahra tfadlika but I was so alone aami lowel fel lycee and it was online. I was horribly insecure ldarjet enou when she asked for a pic I couldn't send one. I was horribly unable to say "no" to people ldarjet enou I was SA (w shih amalt hajet fl clg tkazez ycr ama li aamlouh feya mayetnsech w lkolhom hyethom fi hit laabed edhomka ama houma aachou wena eechtech meli zedou aamlouh feya mel tmanyek wl abuse w kifeh dawrou clg kemel aleya bch yahmiw whd yaswa chay taht lhyout) manajmt nkoul le lhad. Khtrni men dkhl maadch nhess ken ki yaadhebni chkn kima taadhebt fi hyeti. Binet el bullying w racism w abuse li lbara wel dekhel, I was attached to two people, whda for nothing aam 6e w lokhra kaadt attached mel 7eme lin wfe aam el 1ere mteii w akther. Manajmt nenseha jemla wahda ken baad 6 snin w manajmt nkoul ala had hata chay lin jit enti w laabt beya akhyeb men laab mteha. hedha lkol mayhmkch, ama lzmk tefhem aleha ena mankoul chay w mankoulch le w nosket ki enti kol youm tekdheb fi wjhi w taadeha aleya ala eses naarfkch chnya, w kol mara tabusini feha w tayahli 9adri w tadhhek aleya w tkazzem feya khtrni nahki maak wenti aamla jaw. Bech baad dra kadeh men chhar tkoli le oomri ma dhhakt alik, wakteli kol insecurity w kol trauma aandi tchedha w tlefni beha w tadgharni beha. Anyways, I was hardened enough, the days of people lying to me were over the first year I stepped in middle school. If you knew how I flirted back then, you wouldn't believe anything I write to you. It was a humiliation ritual but ik how pathetic people are, how much they lie, how empty they are and how they treat connections as collections. There wasn't a day in my life until I was 15 that someone liked me for any reason without seeing my face and I gave up on them khtrni I couldn't move on men akber ghalta saretli kbal 2025...Men chira hata lel youm, mezelt metaked wnaarf eli laabed aadi yflirtiw maak aal jaw, khtrhom 9al9in, khtr maybe u flirt well, khtrhom yhebou yalaabou bik, khtrhom mnarvzin mel ex mtehom..ala ay sbab ghir enhom yhbouk. Khaterni manethabech, yestaamlouni w nettayech siwe bch yetdhhak aleya wala yaadiw beya wakt. Nope maandi lweh nekdheb, chtarna ken akeka wena kifhom w mch kifhom...I became lustful due to the age wktha but I really wanted to be loved truthfully. My experiences were horrific in those 3 years kbal lcorona w hata 6eme, I was doing it all wrong, the wrong people, the wrong approach for my age and maa tatyih lkdar ala mandhri w touli I only became more angry. Sure I was fine with whoever was fine with me, but I carried enough hate and vengeance akther meli ken feya kbal. Mokhi raa'b mel laabed li hkit maahom just to feel something, but I was always not even considered, mocked w kol khtr fl hkika I only wanted to move on from the real attachement that I had. It only ruined my mental health more. Then I calmed down fel corona, I no more texted those people, sure I knew a few. But it was always this, once someone ask to see me...ik it's all over. No matter how kind I seemed, how interested, how truthful and how genuine I promised to be...it all goes to waste because I wasn't attractive for no one. I blame no one for that, but sure we all could have been better if we were at least kinder in rejecting others. I got used to it so much till I decided to stop being nice about it, I became some sort of a whore myself. "good morning" texts are only for guys that get texted back after the other dude that doesn't care fucked and is not interested anymore. After all the humiliation they made me go through for liking a disgusting person, after listening to all their problems, all of their 13 exes, watching them give their bodies and intimate moments with people they didn't even date, choosing cheaters and guys who were only after their body, after not rejecting me directly and lying to me all this time to keep me as her emotional supper puppy. Sure as hell I was angry and I tried to escape in those 3 years. Sure as hell that with that and all the other problems in my life, the accusations, the bulluying, the harassement, the insecurities, the desire to stop training, the lack of appreciation and feeling like i was missing all the fun. I was already ruined mentally just for that, if we do not speak about the previous years. I became a bitch myself, slowly and surely, I didn't care who I texted or who I met or walked with. After all I am and always were truly alone unless for 3 or 4 people. I always felt inferior and misunderstood. But at least I accepted that treatment because at least I didn't feel empty and bored. I never got past whatever happened in my childhood w ma oomri sadakt had khtr had maje maaya wakteli kedhbou alya, wktlou kharjou alya klem mch mara mch thnin, waktli kdhbou aal nes lkl bch ghiri yamnaa, wktli tlazzit naaml hajet khtr manajmtch nkoul le, wktli tkal aleya rkhis khtr najamtch ntjwz aabd, wktli tkal alya r** khtr aanakt chkn kont maaha for few days khtr she had an interesting personality and "was serious" ki ritha mdaprma w kotlha kalamni bch flkhr heya taleet jebdet rouha mentally w katlich w that was the only reaction I had in mind w her body langauge didn't indicate it, wktli laabd edheka bch yghazelni khalet tfol yji yaanekha men teli w khaletou ypressi aal bossom mteha w heya tokhzrli fi iinaya noss mitrou koddemi, wktli ki nwli tkarkira fi grp el generation men aabed aslan had mayaarfhom w nalka had maaya, wktli ki nwli shab maa tofla yjiw yahkiw maaya ykoulouli ebeed aleha w nahna jawna behi, wakteli li akber meni mayfhmouch mel mara loula li maandhomch lhak yahkiw ala louni akeka, wktli dhaher eli ena manhbch had yfadlk maaya akeka belakhas li nahna manech shab. Weli sar fl corona mch haja kbira ama haja najmch nahki aleha khtr it can ruin my future ama thankfully i was never brainwashed ama zedet hypervigilance mteeii kwet. Mawselt wala oomri 17, ela mawalit naarf ay aabd yakrahni men dkhl, yhbnich, yhmlch yahki maaya, w ken kalamni rahou ala dhohka/taadiyet wakt/hajtou bhaja. I was always rejected, hata when they say eli "tbadalt" they always reject me and make me feel alienated...It never changed, la fi rawdha, la fl mktb, la fl clg, la fl lycee...w hata taw fl fac, naarfch ken ena zeda walit bisif nofredh ala rouhi akeka, ama maadch nhb nodkhel maa had wala nokrb lhad. I was alone as a small kid and forced myself to get in khtr I really wanted to feel like I was something because deep down I am a narcissist. Ykhi it never changed, the same trauma I had since I was 3 till now... Even now I sometimes feel inferior to people's eyes because of my skin especially. It was so bad that in 7 years from MS to HS, there were instances of someone trying to get close but my mind was so used to it that I never even noticed when someone who may hug you or lay all their body on you was into you...I never believed eli for real I had a relationship hata keni online wala aabd kali rani nhebek w distance themnich just khtrni nahkiw ala topics nerdy w we both have good linguistics. Kont dima naarf li i do not deserve it, kont dima naarf li houma bch ymchiw weli ena barka manich bech nensa, kont dima khayef.....khayef la kelaada nwli capture, la aabd fi cheraa yokhzrli khtr fama chkn hke alya, la nwli mawdhouu dhohka fi grp bnet wala yahkiw maaya wled naarfhomch khtr smou aleya haja, khayef lanahki maa whda w heya fouk hjer wehed wala t**** fi dra kadeh men whd w hya fedda theb tchouf kadeh men tfol yetaale9 beha. Melakher I was sure I wasn't loved if I was moving with pure intentions. I changed to be like those guys I hated before, I never became like them truly. I was still sentimental and kind, but I was more ruthless,closed up, silent and cunning. It became easy to read people and know how to measure their egos, it was easy to know what will happen 2 years later with a friend just by a thing they said once unattentively or the look on their face. People were never real and honest, I always knew it, but I didn't think they would be like that in the matters of love and companionship. So I did what I did best and masked, and mimicked them. I learnt to easily identify people, just like I did with you, I never have ever been wrong about you once (hata lin zedtni fl close). The thing I did best before? the paragraphs? the letters etc...It was beautiful to express, and so I expressed what anyone wanted to hear. I learnt how to touch correctly, I learnt friendliness, I learnt confidence...in fact I didn't learn it It just came on it's own when I at least looked a bit better. It changed a bit, from the most known to the most known too. It's all a decoy to blend in but to also stay a bit true to myself. I knew everyone at first sight but I loved this. It became a game to me, for all the built up resentment, I enjoyed their pathetic attempts to over-ego me. I enjoyed letting them feel manipulative, I always developed but I always felt like it wasn't me. I never lied to someone who didn't lie, deep down m still that person that really wants to be remembered and cherished. I knew I was empty and nothing will fill me like a real romanticized life, but fucking with losers and seeing them feel superior for a minute was a good thrill. I never respected girls like that but I had sometime for those that pretend to be good, male friendships however are way simpler, you don't need to manipulate a male unless he is close and generally males do not have egos out of nothing. I was so absorbed men chira I was fully aware li i have no chance maa had hata ki nahki maahom kol youm in hopes eli famechi had yheb aleya for real, w men chira I was also scared lanhar ena nheb aabd w thankfully mel experiences mteii lkol I always knew what kind of character someone has very early on by being observant. Ama khoufi lakber enou ken yhebni aabd khtr men chira adheka li nheb alih w men chira nkhaf layatlaa adheka li manhbch alih, khtr I cannot move on w I feel guilty ken nhot aabd fi blasti. Then again, lbnet dima aandhom el options w manich el wahid w ay blasa ena feha talka louled lkol lokhrin khir meni. Rteht chwaya fl 2eme 3eme khtr it felt li I am starting to feel too extroverted hata ken mzl fama barcha hajet tbdltch, I still do not believe it ki aabd yhebni brsmi khtr it is always superficial, m not loved for what I am. Ama it filled the void being friendly and "out going" with the girls, It wasn't so bad to have them as friends khtr I internally rejected myself even if I grow attached fundementally to them. I learnt physical touch and reading people, I stopped flirting like a geek who gets sent videos of the girl he likes getting fucked. Yet kol manhess li laabd li nahki maah is not like the people I hate, I stop pretending to be like that with them. They become a friend I check up on and help khtr after all hedha lkol masar ken khtr i wanted to protect myself and break the delusions of bitches and assholes that think they are better than me at least intellectually. Kont nhess bdhanb barcha marrat ki nahki maa chkn w nhesshom bdew yaatiw barcha wakt w my dopamine addiciton is getting out of hand mel content li i consumed kbal w chats w gaming w isolation zeda. I was chronically depressed and on dopamine addiction w makontch fehem ycr what those are khtr I looked "happy" (unbothered or not annoyed ycr). Kont dima nkoul li ena nethabbech wala netbadel fisaa so i do not get attached...aslan at some point fhemt haja w keli fhemtha makher khtr had maken maaya bch ykoli; I never actually loved anyone deeply and it was the excitement wala the pain of not being chosen and the need to prove others wrong. I never felt anything for anyone but I always pretended to, not them, but lrouhi. Dima nansa w saat nahfedh hata chnya tkal, aala 4 snin fel lycee, the number of people that i speak to ymchi w yonks, hata ken naarfhom lkol. Hata ken fisaa netaarf aal laabed w nokrblhom w ...yahkiwli w ywariwli khrtni stenst. Lkolha kent haja fergha khtrni feragh mn dkhl. Maamalt chay fi hyeti w tehremt men kol chay w fi hal attempt el fechla bch nhess brouhi bethab. Masadaktch, manajmtch, dima akeka, netreeb ki yokrbouli, manaarfch chnaaml...dima akeka nerbeh laabd fisaa yokrbli ya nhessou ymanipuli feya ya ena betbitti nsaddkch eli fama hkeya binetna w matsirch....la lbnet yconfessiw khtr aandhom ego w la ena nhebou hal fake ego mtehom. Hata maa louled, I was never close, I was always able to give a sense of familiarity, that they know what's up, but they never knew anything unless I fed them something to keep the hopes up. Khaterni empty, I am a shell that houses nothing. I lost all that i could do from mental health. I never liked myself once, I knew no one would stay with me for a week. I never went out, I was always uninvited, I am a mess. Nhebch nokhrj khtrni nkhaf men khazrt laabed, of being judged, of not feeling like I belong there. Fel lycee,timun or gym at least ken fama "sbab", but anywhere else, I always felt like I shouldn't go...I never liked partying or anything, maybe because I was so inept that my brain internally decided that it hated them. I only found comfort in my room. It was so bad that I refused swimming all together for a year, and I wore a shirt out of shame. I couldn't wear clothes to hide myself, I never took photos, people would talk about going out and I reject myself instantly. I always get mad when a picture of me gets taken, I never felt like someone. From godhood to the barrens to godhood then realising m nothing. Maflaht fi chay fi hyeti w baad lbac ki tehremt ml khrouj w hata mel hajet li nheb nakraha, internally I lost all real confidence, hata ken I no longer require much effort to make someone like me...the truth is I am always afraid that someone will come so close to me to realise that I am nothing, reduced to ashes. Yet I wanted someone that I can rely on, I knew it's my chance since people from the outside are less mentally ill than the people I was with in this province. I had no time to waste, I was serious this time ldarjet enou awel manhess eli manich welcomed ycr nejbed rouhi. W ken hassit eli ena nahki maa aabed khatih w keli kbest alih bl judgement mteii ama manich interested khtr they are so slow wala hassit eli famech initial good attraction yet they are nice I keep them around, the moment I feel someone is useless or uninterested I leave, sometimes ymkn I troll them khtr m still internally mad and I hadn't realised the truth yet. Yes I lied and sometimes I may have been too enthusiastic and excited for something I wanted for so long, I didn't lie about my intentions whatsover. Saying " i loved them all" is a bit over the edge, I liked somethings about them this is why I tried to get close ama I was so defensive eni I didn't want to let my time be wasted or lied to awel manra the tiniest red flag. I realised baadha li ena I became avoidant years ago w I actually only want to be calmed down khtr hyeti fergha. Shih I craved friendship w most importantly an honest pure love men aand aabd ama mokhi ken dhedi fi kol chay w thankfully 9albi mayken yhes bchay ken bdhanb wala ken ena nodhlem fi aabd. Mid nov or Mid oct, I am already disgusted by you even tho fama chwaya meni keli yheb yrak wala yaawd yjareb khtr makch khayba w hassitk funny - la aalou ena kathart alik wktha khtr fisaa thallit wala I trolled you khtr hassitk mel nawaa adheka. Ritek marrat fel fac w kolt perhaps I add u back famechi chance, hata ltaw i wasn't serious about you like really serious, ama I considered you nonetheless blkchi fik haja bhya w it is nothing but chwaya aesthetics w lack of trust leya ala dheka she reacted that way. Nsit lhak el details ama hkit maak marat kbal 2025 maybda. I have already known many people w bdit niif lfac w krahtha welhak u were a reason for it khtr at that point mch mara mch thnin u blocked me. Mara okhra naawdlk eli I didn't treat you well (tbc) Wallahi kolt to be continued ama kol manzid nokhzr leli ktebtou nhess fih zeyed alkhr, men awl nhar wnti tekdheb aleya, kol youm tekdheb aleya, kol youm nkolk fasarli tabaathni nzamer, kol youm nkolek ahkili koli tabaathni. Belhak mafhmtch kifeh mokhek yokhzr lel hkeya unless ena nsaddak li kont msadkou alik men kbal, famech aabed yaaml fi aabd ekher akeka w yasmaa rboo li sar jrayrou w ystkhyl eli laab li yahki maah belhak mahboul wala bipolar wktli enti sbab - ken jit may aabed ekher rani chill wala cold. Hawelt eni nakkes alik el dhanb li amaltou, ama aaleh enti smaat klem shabek wena smaatch klem ghiri ki hasebtni? aleh tasmaa ghirek fi oudh matasmaani ena? aleh kol mankolk haja wala taamli haja taarfha tdhorni yecer tzid tkamel aleya khtrni tdharrit meli amaltou wala reactit b tarika maandha tafsir ken enou laabed li kodemk mouch mnajem ymchi w ykhalik ama rak kathartlha. Aleh ki nkolek rak hatamtli el confidence mteii tnarvzt w aamalt rouhek maadch iinek wktli ena hachem bch nokhrj maak khtr i don't look or dress good enough kifek, aleh mamchech mara fibelk li i was left in hell of insecurity ki waritni tswrk maa R wala ki kotli "ena mayhmni fi hata had ken rouhi". Alech ki nkolek rak khlakt feya khouf maak mataarfch kadech aasabi thatmet : la yezi la oomrek khtartni wala kont bch tkhtarni, tjwbni ala zay mood mteek, w ki theb toktlni tabda tjbdli fi kol tfol ekher taarfou w jab rabi makontch tahkili ala moughamratk ki tabda lebsa w kharja lel blys adhomka wala chkn hke maak wala chnya kont taaml fi snap just to not kill me vein by vein. You think I have lost it ama you never paid attention how much you made me feel useless nharet li baathtlk the only notes I had, khtr mrodht w maadch njm nahdher lel fac w tmanykt alehom w hassestni eli belhak ken naaml courda khir, you didn't even say it's okay wala haja, toul you were mocking them and mocking me w taadit twarini bi chnya enti mestensa, like usual, ki kol mara, manghir mataaml bel li klemk, dima tkoul li enti la you judge, la you care much, w mkch egoistic w matrach rouhek khir ml aabed ama kol haja tkoulha w taamlha proves otherwise. You say that ena houwa el draining, majrbtch mara choft kadeh men haja amaltheli kbal ma badni maadch ysthml enou yokeed feyek mel 9la9 wala louji3a. Shih, you are a monster ama men awl matdhrbt fik kotlek what kind of monster are you - khater there are only 2 types of monsters that I cannot deal with. I can deal with all your mood swings, your anger and all....but I cannot deal with being disrespected or not loved, I cannot deal with not being valued or sacrificed for. Fibelk eli kont msaytra aleya, taatini w tadhrbni bch todhmen li ena mawjoud. Benesba lik ena aabd aamal sfer effort maak, wakteli ena kaad nestana bch naarf lzmni naaml effort wala le, baad li sar lkol, tji tkoli " i like where this is going ". Belhak nharetha hakni mchit, houwa mel nhar li kotli fih u got another ex wakteli ena mtayyech najemch netharek wala nekel w besif feyek fi wst nhar hakni mchit. Ey hakni mchit khtr belhak kifech nheb ensen kifek ynjm yokhzr laabd ekher baad mahaz ensen lel mout dra kadeh men mara. Enti mathessech men kothr mataadit ala wled, ama aalakal ki wehed ykolek haja haka thawel tefhem rouhek. Aleh taamli feha you were worried about me fi sif, nhar tji, nharin tsebni, nhar tayahli kadri w confidence mteii, nhar tokeed tkaren feya b hedha w adheka w tkoli rahom mestediinek, kont kel bouheli kodemk ama ena kont nhwl manrach chnya taaml wala chnya tposti wala hata nakra el signs li taatini fehom bel shih just khtr i wanted it to be over, i wanted it to be you and only you. Wktli lahkika melowl ena kont naarf li makch mteii w bch neteeb maak ycr ama I was convinced that I loved you enough to handle that and maybe get you to change. Ma raani eli ken sif kemel you keep proving to me kadech kont ghalet, ma raani eli makont theb fi denya ken jard karhba w rouba ksira w eeryena w bars wala restos kol youm fi blasa kol youm aabed jdod kol youm chkn tmanipulih w tkoul aleh laabed yjudgiw feya khtrni i act,speak,dress,think and do a certain way that is associated with "bad" people mbaad tkoum tadhhek w tkazzem w tetmnyek aal laabed li yhebouch yaarsou makher wala yhbou yjibou zghar as if houma falleha wala hayawenet w mokhtasrin hyethom fi adheka. Tkoul li enti u don't judge ama all that you were doing is judging, harshly, narcissistically. You fail to see that giving and giving isn't always love or care, when you are absent, when you are mean, when you ignore, when someone asks you about things that made them mentally ill and hate life you do not answer them - kifeh tkoul li houma yrawech bel eechra w ykadroukch wala aabed ghaltin wktli enti kaada tbynlhom eli ashel haja aandk taati feha weli ylwjou alih fik makch taati fih. I needed your presence more than what you could have done to help me fl kraya, wjoudek houwa li khaleni nakra, ama ken lwkt adheka lkol li kaadt nahki fih maak tlaa fel feragh khtrk bored wala mzlt mataarftch ala tfol jdid wala newya taadi beya wkyt khtrk mzlt mnrvza men tfol ekher khtartou... belhak kifeh thebni netsaref. Kifeh thebni netsaref wakteli li sar lkol ena lwehid li tdharit fih, bnsba lik yomkn time waste khfifa btbiitek fedda w kont taaml fi wkt, enti kont loula wlekhra. Manaarfch kifech kaadt tetsaref maaya haka jrayer klem sahbetek w mafama hata nhar jarabt seelt rouhek souel hedha "aleh kaad maaya hedha lkol ken klemhom shih?" kifeh majech mara fibelk eli I never lied to you about what I feel towards you raghm hal abuse hedha lkol. Makench aandi mochkla maa lkhrouj maak la lpathe la lel masrah, kont najem netsaref. Ama khoft, khoft khtrk kadeh men mara tafjaani bel mood swings mteek, kadeh men mara thassesni li m just there wkhw, kadeh men mara hassestni eli just thbch tmchi wahdk, li u are planning ur leave mara okhra, eli kolo nothing for you, eli my looks do not matter khtr aslan u don't care, khtrk mchit maa whd ekher li pathé w date taada khyb w rghm kadeh men mara kotlk aleh chsar wktha bch ena najem nerteh w naarf alakal chnya yestana feya wala chnya naaml you kept dodging the question, kifeh thebnich netwatter w naarfch chnaaml kodem ensen nhebou, for you it was just a " study partner" wala "dating till it gets boring" but "I only saw you". Mataarfch chnya el ehses of being less useful, less wealthy, not way taller, not better looking, not being hot, not being academically promising, not being able to drive - majech lmokhek marra kaddeh ena metwatter khater manich khir menek fi hata chay, khtrni najem nhebek manghir matkoun khir meni. Ama ki nkoun ena najemch nsou9 bik w nhezek win theb wnti aandk karhba mataarfch kadech thess bel noks, thess fi rouhek burden. Mech mara mch thnin kotlk thassesnich li ena burden, i never wanted to drain you belaaks i wanted to serve you. Mafama hata nhar lhaja hedhi khaletnich nhess bel 9ahra wala neteeb jrayerha. Ken kol chay mechi mlih ken jit tkhalini netkallem manghir mataakbni, wktli netkalem nokeed khyf la i get a heart attack menek ykhi noskt. Kad mahawlt I draw your attention li enou ena manajmch nkoul alik haja khayba wala nkolek raw fama haja mkalktni w i need you to answer it, nkoulha fi joke khtrha haja fi mokhi men dekehl w tkml toktlkni ki tjewbni b haja akeka; yaani tkoli chnya men dekhel thess. Makontch testhak enek tekdheb aleya lwakt adheka lkol w tkoli mayhmnich fi toul wala myhmnich kenk azyen meni wala haja, i saw how happy,smiling and pretty you were and especially close to that guy. Have you ever wondered how much damage those two pics did to me? Have you ever thought eli it was a good idea to send someone with jealousy issues and overthinking those? Yes I have to admit it, I do not like this "friendships" thing. The way you were so close to him, leaning towards him and smiling killed me. Khater naarf he had a chance to be with you, he was near, he was enjoying your presence, you even left a memory of him....those are the pics that you showed me, what about the rest, what about what actually happened between you two? You create holes in me then wonder why they let things go through. Neselk souel mouhem aandi w nheb naarf chnya sar w aalech wnti mchi fibelk m spying wala chnya, wktli ena li hkeya mwatretni w khalka men dkhl alf scenario w dra kadeh men explanation w mokhi dima ymchi lel khayeb to protect myself, ama enti taffini w mbaad tkoli chbik cheel wala chbik dkhl baadhek? Kifeh kotlk stop 4 marrat and you kept sending me screenshots ekher mara, nharetha u ignored all of my compliments kifkif lberah, u ignored all my messages, taffitni, blocketni, nestana fik bch tjwb ama enti tahki maa K, jitk njri just to be reassured, nalkak kel aada fl tel, mahabitch tokhzrli, taffitni, w kaadt tadhhek fi tel, jit bch nokeed bhdhek kotli tokeedch bahdheya nheb had yokeed bahdheya, ama ritek kaada bahdha wled taarfhom w bahdha bnet taarfhomch...Majech lbelek hata if my heart broke that instant and i felt weird maarftch what was the reason w mokhi mamche ken li chira adhika - ken lel ending adheka....You played yourself waktha, you played yourself by lying to me about the rumours, about ignoring me everytime even wktli kotlk ken fama haja weird wala off wala thessha creepy koli khtr i stopped flirting and saying sweet stuff to you whenever u didn't answer them, I never wanted you to feel bad about your body that time or that of the summer khtr you kept saying i was more attractive before, in fact, I admit some of what i said is weird ama i thought li u were okay with the height w age difference. Akther haja baadetni aalik w khaletni netsaref haka heya hkeyet el rumours, damartni w damartli all my hopes bch flkhr tji tkoli haja akeka???, wakteli naarf 100% eli sahbetek edhomka yaarfouni w hkew aleya, wakteli kont dima maahom baad ay contact binetna. Wakteli you showed me li i don't have boundaries you could respect, wktli you do things manghir matkhamem ken I will get sad or not. You never thought eli the reason I spent hours trying to create lessons from scratch je mel klem mteek ljereh w kifeh hassestni li m a useless piece of shit who needs to always be cared for. Maarftch aleh i insisted eni nesbkek fel kraya khtr teebt kol mara ena neselk w kol mara enti taatini w win tji teselni nabda manaarfch el maalouma w njwbk bl ghalet khtrni nzrb bch nkhalikch testana. Maarftch eli ena belhak oomri makhrjt maa chkn mahma hawelt nbayenlk w kotlk, alech makoltch tfol hachem meni wala khayef la yetaada date khayeb wala nrejectih wala ay mawdhouu. Rak zeraa feya khouf kbir menek, manjmch nkolek hata chay wala ay haja. Khalitni mokhi yekel feya w ykoli okhrj w houwa bidou ynjmch yokhrj w yebeed baad li aamalthoulou lkol. Ay mara nahkiw fi haja akeka extra nzid nkhaf w saat nendem li habbitek, khtr manjmch nkolek le lhata chay really. Lin je nhar lahad li kbal ekher nhar, I was tired, so tired. Maandk hata fekra kaddeh tekhart jrayr staget......kont nestana fi nhar li bch nkoun fih bjanbk alakal merteh mch madhghout fi bar wala resto wala fi cinema khtrni mch mestenes w I only act too weird wala childish khtr m being stressed out w i cannot be serious otw I will look too clingy and emotional. Kont aarf eli dima zahri khayeb fi denya, awl kharja kotli aleha le dkhalt fi spiral. Araft mlih eli my luck was going so bad, ama aaleh, ya rabi aaleh dima haka. Awel mabdet tsir ay haja khayba badni w mokhi zouz yreactiw khtr stanest bel msayeb, ama mn kothr mastnst eli denya tmchich maaya wallit aslan i do not take part in anything. Belhak maandk hata fekra, as a very pretty girl maandk hata fekra how hard is it for someone that looks like me to be out, surtt maak w win enti tmchi dima. W lahkika, khoft lankoul lel parents mteii w ykoulouli le,ken aandi ehses ykoli eli bch ykoulouli le ala dheka habitk tkhtar alakal wkt mch khyb l pathé. Khoft ken ywliw yeselou alik w yaarfou eli sar men mai hata lwaktha ken jrayrek enti. Khoft laykoulouli aamel aaklek wala kal rik adheka lkol khtr men kbal makenouch ykhliwni nokhrj ldarjet eni manghir manocheer manmchi lhata blasa w nokhrj maa had. Makontch najem naarf chnya reaction mtehom ala lkhrouj makhr akeka, kolt le mel hechma wnti mche fibelk lhkeya was financial wedhika akther haja manhbkch tkhamem feha when it comes to us. Khater shih ama it is not going to be a problem. I never liked the fact eli i failed el driving test due to my mental health w my extreme anxiety, mahmltch eli enti proposit bch twslni wktli ena tchajaat bch naaml permis just khtr i hated you for what u did wktha but then only continued just perhaps I can be a bit useful or of value to you. Habit nekhou chwaya confidence maak kaadt maak whkina irl ama it was still obvious l m ashamed and worried about being judged. I never called anyone khtr nehchem mn souti or of my stuttering and our calls were so dear to me mafamch nhar omi w baba kharjou ykhdmou sbeh and I didn't want to call you first thing in the morning. I just wanted to hear your voice waking up. The pics you were sending me, I never wanted to see your body or your curves, I was happy li u were letting me in khw. But when you stopped....It felt like you were cutting the fibers of our bond, when you shared those pics later, it felt like you didn't feel they meant a lot to me or meant something between us. I was never jealous of you, I was afraid that you would look down on me. You don't feel it but when the initial adoration or interest fades, you will instinctively look and compare me to everyone else.