The truth is, I blamed the monster for its nature...because I liked it (personal)
I liked a monster and played with it from very far, but I liked its appearence and the growls it made when I played with it. I never thought I will like it a lot after it bit or scratched me in a way I will soon realise was its most gentle forms of punishment...or torture. I never knew that I will somehow fail at the thing I swore to perfect to not be in that position again, 8 years or so...Maybe 10 years. I knew this entity was nothing but evil, evil doesn't show even in the amidst of a kind gesture. I could not have anticipated, that I will, after 7 years, fall again for someone's eyes...this time someone I knew darn well is not the right choice nor even should be considered a choice. The mistake I always made due to my sensitivity, understand because I was never understood. However, I realised that I never became a monster that hurts people or lures people. I may have became a honorless or manwhore. Perhaps because I knew well, perhaps because I wanted to fill the void with presence, perhaps because I was attached to the idea that no matter what, if someone doesn't feel attracted to you early on, any form of reunion between you both is not steamed from love. Which lead me to make my worst ever gamble, a gamble I lost the moment I let the soft pathetic side of me take over. A gamble I lost because when I had nobody and liked nobody and didn't feel lonely once was with "my" cats. I am now about to fail a university year, lost my last shred of will to live, the only thing I know besides boredom and animalistic instincts is either annoyance or the grief of someone that told me countless times to "get away". How did I fall from grace, when all it took is to see that they had a soft spot for their little cat. I couldn't, I could have never hurt it because I knew that I am made of pure evil inside. That I masked hard enough my whole existence to blend in, I didn't like people but being bullied made me feel left out and alienated rather than being the one choosing to stay that way. I masked hard enough, yet my empathy makes me cry everytime I see how they called themselves a monster, I cry out even in their confessions...I find myself crying over their pain rather than mine, but what did I deserve ? This? I never have put someone over me, I have never ever kneeled or begged outside of a treacherous intent, I never bothered to be annoyed much about someone. Yet I find myself doubting my tears and the sincerity of it, to end up forcing myself to bleed to know if I had truly felt it inside? Did I lose all thinking capacity? Did I really get bit time after time and it only made me want to feel their claws and teeth in me? Did I really get turned on by their pain? There is no more than perhaps two physical traits that I may have liked in them, it's been a year and a half...or more...They were never my taste, I cannot even imagine myself with any female not even the ones I like. There is nothing between us that we agree upon, I hate the way they lived and their beliefs. I knew that this difference reveals a lot of their character, their past, their actions and the level of empathy they had. I foreseen it all before it even happened. I was the one in control and the one thinking I was safe from that monster. It's all in vain, I couldn't escape its eyes everytime I saw it. Warning after warning, clarifications that they are never the one I imagined them to be, countless reiterations that they are not the heart I wanted, hundreds of insults and deragatory words, panick attacks, scars from eyes to fingers, an insomnia that is finally achieving its one year anniversary, a box of every single major problem and an archetype that I know like the back of my hand. Still I feel like I am dedicating my life for that piece of... I blame them for their actions, it's the nature. I blame the monster for being a monster, I blame the emotioneless for their lack of emotions, I blame the shallow for their lack of depth. Did I really not want to admit that I made the wrong choice or I was too deep to get away? Did this happen because I lost every other option? Did this happen because I wanted to not betray my own promise? Or did this all happen because the worst said the words I always wanted to hear... Even when they said those words, I knew that they were nothing but manipulative lies. My eyes see through everything, but my heart wanted to stay. It wanted because the mind that knew how to enslave by desire and bind by devotion broke the moment it knew all its dreams were shattered and presumebly were thought to be orchestrating a trap to play with their heart. The mind that desired nothing more but them lost its ground, from the pain of existence and the death of ego that occured, that brought it on its knees...Not out of defeat, but out of weakness. I was weak to make the difference between genuine hurt feelings and pretending to be hurt to manipulate. The amount of damage that monster did to me and the hateful actions and words done to me do not match... I should have been the one to say those words, I should have been the one to be claiming to be the monster, I should have been the one to say that I don't feel anything that no one should put it on their shoulders to make me happy...I remember every single word they said. They do not know I live everyday with the pain of those words in my organs, in my will to live, in my energy, in my eyes, in my interactions. They did not consider how every single bad and confusing thing is replaying in my head whenever we talk...It's nice, they moved on like nothing happened the first time and that one big day...indeed they wouldn't imagine I almost passed out or blinded myself that day. Sleeping with no pillow because both sides were ruined by the mess, having red like their hair on my skin to cope. I could have never done that to y-them. If any of it was real, those whores should have not intervened. Yet again, they are the worst one. Didn't I tell the monster countless times that I do not want grey, that I do not play...why did it pretend that nothing was real or had happened. Alas, it's the monster, the monster doesn't even remember its victims. The monster eats the prey and doesn't wonder where it left the remains or what happened to them, sometimes the monster doesn't even mind eating the whole prey, not even in a clean way, let alone the way it killed the prey or chased it. To sarcastically end it, the monster shits the pray from its back and leaves the existence of its prey as both shit and a rotting cadaver. Why would I be naive to hope that the monster thought about me? It had its fun on the beach, it had its fun with multiple new toys and preys, it enjoyed it, it lived its life...Indeed the word "sorry" is so hard. A monster never admits its mistakes unless it is to be punished. Does the monster ever realise that there was a past between us that should never be forgotten? Does the monster really tell the truth when it says it was suffering and hurt? How did the monster hurt me way worse than it was hurt? Why did the monster inflict the same pain to me that it was inflicted on it while I tried to help it? Why did the wolf pretend to be a pup? I could have left it or never took care of it...Did my heart sound juicy and soft for you that you not only put all your teeth around it, smashed it and turned over your mouth but spit it and regulped it for a taste? Do you even think about what you have done? Do you even possess the intelligence to see that all of this could have been avoided from the start ???? MORE THAN ONE YEAR AGO?? Do you even think that whatever happened, at least the second time, was from the scars you left in me? Did you even bother to look behind you or besides you where I was crying and holding myself to not feel humiliated? Did you ever look at the way I was begging you not to continue triggering my fears that day? Did you even bother to remember how many times I countered your evil and hurtful words with love? Did you even know a thing about me to realise I would have never accused you of something if I didn't beg myself, you and God to prove it wrong? Do you even know the standards and boundaries you stepped over? Do you even remember the many times I told you I do not handle disrespect and more importantly I don't want to feel humiliated? Do you even realise that the way you described yourself in your lies to me is the way I actually am, so it's okay to be angry, mean and a mouthful b---- but when I lose control after you have been disrespecting me for 3 days, triggering my mental issues and my fears even when I told you to stop a couple of times and I cannot act weak in front of someone that in that moment...I thought was cheating on me and playing me like a fucking stupid whore of feelings I am? Do you really want me to always cry and beg for you so you can feel better about being ****** **? Does loving you more for all what happened to you is a reason to step on me further because I can't handle your pain? Is my backwardish way of thinking that cannot handle even the slighest of your skin showing to eyes so repulsive? Have you ever wondered while others look at you in those garmets and imagine you in the most dishonest ways...I cried myself to sleep asking God to let you be back and I would accept what no other will accept, I couldn't even imaging kissing you on the cheek or hugging you from the purity I wanted to picture you in. You say I was a sexualizer or whatever, ruined me for those allegations while I fantasized about is being able to finally cry for once in your arms while you held me. The irony of the world...Why did you after everything that happened, everything I told you. Not even respect me enough while you are being the sneaky s* you were to hide it from me? Is that what I deserve? The person I dignified and wanted to live for couldn't at least respect me a bit and hide the fact that they were again in another man's arms, no but getting fucked by one at the moment. If at least it was over, why do you have to make me imagine you in such positions, under those circumstances. I never judged you personally for anything, You are free to fuck whoever you want however you want. I never mattered to you but you wanted to not look bad or maybe you took a virtue signaling kind of empathy on me that you said all of those words that contradict each other. For you it never even mattered, I was never something, just a sexualized pathetic loser to extort. You never saw the pain I hid under my coldness, You never remembered what I told you about my fears and how I react. You say that I am hard to deal with while you put me in that position. You claim that I am annoying you with those words I said...but all I did was trying to remind you about the horrible things you said about yourself and how they pained me. You avoided all the discussions I wanted to have a calm heart. You thought I wanted to be with you so bad, but all I wanted is a clear answer. You never know how much words matter...unless they are directed to you. Do you even realise how humiliating it is to always hear about your guys, your second snap account, to see that snapscore, to look at you always smiling on your phone and not even looking at me, to tell me to stay away, to ignore me, TO IGNORE ME FURTHER WHEN I TELL YOU WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME, TO SMILE ON YOUR PHONE WHILE I TALK TO YOU IN A CRACKED VOICE PLEADING FOR JUST A LOOK, NOT EVEN A QUESTION OR REASSURANCE, JUST A GLANCE TO FEEL THAT I HAVE IMPORTANCE OR MAYBE JUST ANSWER ME BY TELLING ME THAT YOU HAVE TO TEXT THAT PERSON OR ANYTHING YET YOU DISMISSED ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING BUT A BOTHERSOME ANNOYANCE ...what did you expect at that moment? what did you expect when I was blinded by fear at that moment that a single color I saw on your screen made me about to cry and I had to run to the bathrooms. Indeed, all you saw was a bipolar person, not someone who did not sleep to get ready to see you, someone who told you to stop showing them those things, someone that told you to please stop ignoring my messages and at least react slightly to them to not feel away, someone that sent you compliments at 5am and 10am and so before at night yet you ignored all of them, someone that had all the right to suspect that you were not honest, someone who always tells you to please inform them if a compliment or a word bothers you so that I learn to not use it or if some of my flirting is making you uncomfortable, just a word, a word, not even a word a reaction or an emoji. Do I have to beg for anything? Do I have to hold my face still and handle the pain in my chest when you show me how soft you are to that guy, or how you are using the emoji you use with me when you are sweettalking or teasing that you stopped using with the guy that caused all of it that day? Is it hard to understand how much I value you and see you in such a way that I lie when I say I respect your choices yet can't handle the fact that you are being pretty somewhere or dressed attractively even if no one is seeing your face because I cannot handle the fact that others get to see you too, that some may even lust over you and you are not a low life girl that lusftul eyes deserve to admire her physical beauty, even the slighest skin on your face triggers me. Not out of anything, but fear and love, It irrationally hurts me when someone even has pure intentions towards you or likes you physically, the thought of someone else thinking about you or looking at you hurts me deeply and I never knew how I could tell you that without angering you because we are so different, and you do not want to be judged but also you have scared me and made me shake for hours because you hate being told what to do or given an opinion, so from that time I hid my feelings even more. There is not a single thing in your body that I never found extremely attractive and I never have ever desired to see you wearing something revealing or tight just for my eyes, I only said those things because I knew you liked to dress that way and I never wanted to comment a lot on the way you dress even if it makes me bleed that some have seen you in those outfits and maybe in way more revealing outfits that I ever did or ever will. I do not own you, as you said, "we are not even together", but for a good amount of time you owned me and I wanted to feel like I am really something and that maybe my eyes were enough or at least my soft heart was enough reason for you to consider that I cannot handle that disgusting people who only see you as a sexual object don't get to entertain their wondering eyes on someone I loved more than my life or even admire their exterior over who they are. I never wanted that there is someone out there who craves your touch or to have you because they think you are hot or good for other stuff, or think that you are easy or that you are a b from your appearance. You never considered how stressful it was for me that we are different in many ways and that my fears or doubts will hurt you or that I would ask you or hint to you that I would appreciate a change of lifestyle or even the thought that I may not be able to love you properly without stressing or doubting you is in itself stressing me out, sure it is stupid and so disgusting to think that way, but I do not even handle when you answer someone respectfully or kindly and it's what bothers me most because I fell in love with you for that, because it feels like I am sharing that, because it feels I didn't deserve it or that I am not that good enough that someone else has it, because you can't comprehend how much I value you that even the most pathetic of things feel like too much to me that I know how much value those insignificant things may appear to someone else, just like they appear to me. You hated me for focusing on the small details, but I learnt to do so...if I didn't how would I be there for you and love you correcrly. On top of that, you taught me how to always expect the worse from you, how much you hide things from me, how much you pretend and take aggressive and hurtful decisions so I was always hypervigilant and attentive, you hurt me a lot by saying things about you that I do not know if you understood what those things even looked like in my brain. You fail to understand that I cannot let myself not give you anything less than good, which leads me to panic. I never not wanted to go out with you, but I was always afraid of what could happen, I was afraid that you won't have fun, I was afraid of not being able to be there on your standards. Too much that I couldn't even meet you with a messy hair and I insisted you tell me before hand just because I am, as usual, aware of my appearence and yours. When you said that you didn't care about anyone except you, I felt like vomiting. I always want to believe that your communication skills are horrible, but I have seen how you can talk to others and be so close to others in a way that makes me want to die because I am unable to hate you. I never felt enough and you blame me for reacting to things that way while you are the one that always makes me feel so, if you ever cared, you would have remembered everytime you belittled me or compared me or said something that is so unforgiving and humiliating. Do you remember how I begged you to not say those things about yourself? Do you remember how I apologize when you just type one word or "?" ? It's easy to add a couple of words to a message, so tehre is no room for doubt that you are not that interested. Yet I couldn't have left, I insisted on being rejected because I know nothing good happens to me, you were too good to be true for me. However, I never wanted you to be a "bad" person, it is okay if love never finds my heart for years after you, but I didn't want to force myself to move on because I was nothing but cheap tier male emotional entertainment like the many others that you text or go out with, let alone to discover that you are indeed lack self respect .Someone that always knew I wasn't just not the the only one, but no one. I never pressured you nor forced you, it was simple. You forced me into pretending to be yours because you didn't want me to act as your friend. You pretended that my love for you ended the moment you told me to go away. That was your care for me in May that dissapeared, the care that went into another in a matter of hours. Mine stayed for a year. You never knew how hurtful your words were, how disgusting and humiliating your comparisons were, how burning your hints about your dark truth were to me, how much my heart sunk whenever I saw something that bothered me, how much I realise that we are so opposites, how fun it was for you to waste ur useless time on me while I couldn't sleep or eat without your texts. How much did I love you and I couldn't imagine you in anyway that I forgot what you are and that you are the type to do that stuff? Why did you do that to me for rumours you have seen the opposite of, while I handled the doubts and evidence because I wanted to trust your words over anything else? Why was it hard for you to understand that you were really a monster to me even at the ending? Why couldn't you take me seriously whenever I tell you I am afraid of you? Why don't you ever think that your words traumatized me? Why don't you ever imagine that someone is unable to live with the memories of your harsh words and your facial expressions? Why don't you think that someone's "crazy" behaviour that you replaced quickly with many others is caused by you and for you? Why is it hard for you to realise that the whole thing was ruled with fear and love, that I couldn't love you properly because I am afraid of you, your truth, your actions and what you could do in the future? Couldn't you imagine that I was afraid of you in the present because of what you could do in the future or what I can discover later about you? Couldn't you put yourself in my position and comprehend that we react the same way to the same types of danger? Do you think after all the words and things that happened between us, when I go silent I do it to punish you or show you that I am angry ? That after everything, all the tears and blood, the sleepless nights, the healths that went to hell, the opportunities and the people that I lost...I would yell at you even tho I love you? Have you forgotten the many times I told you about my fears and my issues? Did it really make you enjoy yourself when your friends told you I was losing my self in class waiting for you to answer and slamming my phone because you only kept talking about that guy to trigger me? Do you think being someone else's source of happiness or fun for a second doesn't torture me? While I didn't text anyone to respect you...the things you do behind my back. How did I let this happen? To now being at 99% risk of repeating the year because of the state that you left me in, to losing both my mental and physical health, to losing everyone that I had, to giving up on people because I was trying to make myself better for you even if I am jus pathetic, because I was trying to make those dreams true, because I was fighting my brain that keeps reminding of everything, because I was drained seeing you with him, talking about him, laughing with him, being close to him, your mom knowing about him, being traumatized by him, giving him the last shot, being invited to dinner by him, saved a lot of times by him, keeping him around for two years while he is nothing...all those hims and the only him that is bad and is a victim even though he would have never hesitated to be on his knees for you is me, or perhaps there is a hundred other me in your life. Perhaps you are a heaven on earth but all the flowers and trees are other guys,perhaps not understanding that even being the chosen flower or the best flower is not enough for me. Perhaps you did all of this thinking I wanted a relationship, but all I wanted is an answer. You were forcing yourself to give an answer, that deep down you didn't want. In the end, mahyech mochkeltk, I am the crazy, insecure, traumatized and bigot. I judged you and wanted you to be something you are not. You tried but that's your nature. I never understood your warnings and I forced everything on you, you never saw me that way nor that you wanted to be that way with me. I look at the destruction I left on the wake of being soft once...and never stopped for a monster I liked.